Shine Like Stars

Valentine's Day Flames

2012-02-15T07:55:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day was flaming hot at our house last night!
...just not in the way one might assume.

Yesterday was a little crazy with kids activities overlapping, so at 4:15 I showed Brian what needed to be done to dinner and out I ran to take Ruth to swim lessons.
(Yes, I totally see the irony that I'm taking my youngest to swim lessons considering I teach and coach 180 kids in swimming so please don't point that out to me.) :)

I was running a few minutes getting home because of this...

Ruth passed 2 levels and got to ring the bell and receive her ribbons.

YEAH Ruthie!!

So I walked in at about 5:15 and looked outside to see this...

So I went and grabbed the fire extinguisher so Brian could do this...

Apparently, putting olive oil on heart shaped hamburgers is NOT a good idea if you are going to grill in an open flame.

I LOVE my exciting, never-a-dull-moment life that the LORD has blessed me with!! Hope ya'll had a happy Valentine's Day too!

Our Weekend...

2012-01-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Yes, I'm still alive! And I have SO much catching up to do! And I fully plan to go there. Later.

It's been a rough couple of months. No, that's a lie. It's been a hard year. There is a verse in Psalms that says, "...your Word is a light unto my feet and a lamp unto my path." I haven't been able to see my path. I barely have enough light to illuminate the steps for my feet. And as the year progressed, the light seemed to grow dimmer. I ended the year with a surgery that humbled me like nothing before has. And I will write about that later. This particular blog is not about that.

The last few months we've had No Time on the weekends for us - for family, for life, to enjoy each other, for laughter. Brian has either taken the kids somewhere without me because physically and emotionally I just haven't been up for anything, or we were being dragged through this rat race we are calling life and our obligations no longer belonged to us.
Both of these last two things have changed.
My fog is clearing. My joy is returning. My body is healing. And we are taking our life back. No more <insert evening activity here>. No more <insert weekend sport here>. Nothing on the agenda. That feeling alone can give you years back to your life. It's Freedom.

So Saturday morning we realized that we had a completely free weekend! N-O-T-H-I-N-G!! And it was an absolutely beautiful day! High in the 70's and sunny. I needed to be outside! So I suggested camping. Granted, I've been camping once in my adult life and it was without children, but I thought it sounded fun. Brian couldn't get a campsite anywhere the day of, so we threw that idea out (I think that was the LORD just watching over me). :) Then I suggested Enchanted Rock. It's a beautiful place in the Hilll Country. It's also a vertical climb, on your own legs, of at least a mile. Brian quickly reminded me that a week ago to the day, I had been in the hospital and there is no way that he would let me go. I argued my point. He won.

This was my 3rd suggestion...

Isaiah and Ruth had never been to the Zoo so I knew this would be fun for them!

I actually remembered to take pictures so I'm just going to let the pictures tell our story...

The Reptile House:

Yes, Chloe, that's how your mother feels about snakes too...

Chloe did this with every-single-animal! She might have more pictures than me!

Look at the bonding between siblings! Only the LORD can do that.

It's an Okapi. Which poor Isaiah just couldn't quite understand. He thought is was 1/2 cow, 1/2 zebra, 1/2 horse, all with the neck of a giraffe. I have no idea where he got interpretation, but that's what he came up with.

Ruth LOVED the fact that she had an Elephant on her shirt and kept yelling at the Elephants to look at her shirt. Too Cute! :)
She also kept asking for a pet elephant. She wanted to ride it instead of drive in a car.

The Elephants kept spraying themselves with dirt and the girls would yell, "STOP!! You're getting yourself all dirty!!
They are going to make you take a bath if you don't stop!"

The Hippo did this...

Which made Ruth do this... :(

And because every trip to the zoo must end with our traditional train ride...

I have to share this picture of Chloe and her beloved daddy.

I just love the joy on her face!

And this was the rest of our weekend...

And games! Our favorite right now is Apples to Apples, the kids version. Our weekend was all about Family. We had Fun. We Laughed. We made Memories. The kids put away 11 loads of laundry WITH a good attitude! We ended our weekend with the boys last flag football game on Sunday night.

As I type this, I realize I really want a farm somewhere. I want my mom to grow all our fruits and vegetables. I want some of these:

I have NO idea what they are, but they look cute. And really, really soft!

I want a crystal clear spring fed creek that runs through it with huge oak and pecan trees for the kids to climb in and explore for hours. I want Colorado scenery with Texas weather. I want a little white school house where I can teach my kids their subjects from a biblical worldview. We were made for fellowship so I want other families that we can do life with. I'm not talking about some freaky compound that will end in a gun and fire standoff... (Waco - 1990's).

I'm talking about simplicity (with electricity). Slowing down (but still keeping a car). Being able to to leave for a month on a mission trip to Africa WITH our children.

You hear adoptive mommies quote James 1:27 ALL the time to prove their point - "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..."

But there is a second part to this verse that is equally as important - "...and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

That's what I want. That's what I want for my children. To teach them to be in this world and love this world and fall head over heals in love with the Creator of it all, but not become polluted by the world.

So who's in?

Oh and by the way, this is my fantasy so make up, shoes and bras are optional. :)

Happy 10th Birthday Isaiah

2011-11-19T06:30:00.000-08:00

Today is Isaiah's 10th Birthday. And here I am - sitting at the exact same table, on the exact same computer, at roughly the same time, drinking coffee probably from the same cup, as I was last year.

Just for reminiscing purposes, I went back and read my blog entry from this exact moment a year ago - Happy Birthday Isaiah.

And I decided to write a birthday letter again...

To my dearest Isaiah,

Today is your 10th Birthday!! I know you are SO excited to be 10, so let me officially welcome you to 2 digits!

Not unlike last year, my heart is burdened. But I'm not burdened with sadness. I'm burdened with excitement and anticipation! I'm writing this while you, sweet boy, are safe and sound upstairs, still sound asleep in your warm bed.
But WAKE UP!!
I'm ready for you to open your eyes and see the balloons that are adnoring the stairs!
I can't wait to see the look on your face when you open your presents!
I can't wait to make your favorite breakfast and take you to lunch!
In truth, I can't wait to spoil you with our love and time today.

You have waited paitently through every one of your siblings birthday. You've seen their balloons, their favorite foods, their presents, but never once did you show a spirit of jealousy. You have a heart that is so incredibly rare Isaiah. It's a pure heart. It's a compassionate heart. It's a kind and generous heart.  It's a loving heart. You would give up anything for your siblings or your friends. You sincerely empathize with those around you that are hurting and lonely. Remember the puppy at the pet store? You had a nightmare that night. Not because the puppy was was sick and dying or someone was hurting it. You woke up crying because that puppy was all alone in his kennel and you were devastated that he was feeling lonely. OH! It breaks my heart that you still so clearly remember and identify with lonliness. But maybe the feeling of lonileness breaks your heart so much because you now know what it feels like to belong and to be wanted and loved and you wanted that for the puppy. Was that it sweet boy?
Oh my boy, my prayer is that you NEVER lose that! That this world doesn't rob you of how Christ made you! That the enemy's lies, which form in your head, never take root in your heart!

In your last Birthday letter, I said that your birth mom loved you, but she was unable to care for you. Oh Isaiah, I never knew how true those words were!  Though I can't imagine how incredibly hard it was for you and Ruth that day daddy and I met her, I will forever be grateful for those minutes with your birth mother. For now I also know why she chose the name Isaiah for you. Isaiah, we CAN GIVE YOU SOME PART of your history! Do you know how important that is?!

I also realized that I never went back and told the story of how that money came back to us. (You'll have to read here first to understand... Happy Birthday Isaiah) (Well, short story version is that a complete stranger that I sat next to on the plane, as we were returning home from meeting you, mailed us a card and a check written out in the exact amount your present cost! How crazy cool is that?! God is SO GOOD!)

Isaiah, your smile lights up a room! Your thirst and curiousity for life and everything all around you is contagious! Your passion and your prayers is something I truly admire! Your willingness to help is something I wish was contagious (for your brother and sister!) :) You love and defend the Aggies as if you had already been to Fish Camp. You have a natural athletic talent that is so awesome to watch.

Happy 10th Birthday Isaiah! We Love you and are so proud to call you our son. I can't wait to see what this next year holds!!

Isaiah's Bedtime Prayer

2011-10-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged. And if you relate the absence of blogging to the possibility that my life turned upside down since school started, then you would be correct.

But something happened tonight that I want to both share and remember.

Our bedtime bible story was the story of baby Moses. We read it, discussed it and then I prayed. I then asked the kids if any of them wanted to pray. Here is what ensued...

From Isaiah:
Dear God,
My daddy tells me all the time that I'm going to do great things. Now I believe him. I'm adopted just like Moses. You saved his life because you had a plan for his life. Because he was going to grow up to do something great for you so you kept him safe and alive. Now I KNOW I'm going to do great things because you saved me and my sister Ruthie. You saved our lives and gave me the best family ever. I love my family God. I love my daddy and my mommy and my brother and my sisters. God, you gave me the bestest family in the whole world. Thank you. Thank you that when my birth mom couldn't take care of me, that you had another mom for me. And thank you so much for my daddy. Thank you that he plays with me and he teaches me all the stuff I don't understand, like rounding, but now I do, because my daddy taught me. And thank you that my mom always makes me food and washes my clothes. God I really, really do love my family. I have the best family...
...

And on and on his prayer went for about 7 minutes...EVERY WORD thanking God for us - his family. For giving him a better life.
When he was done, I couldn't even utter the word Amen because I was too choked up.

I'm not going to lie, it has been a rough few months. But in that prayer, all the tears, the heartache, the frustration that has been piling up in my heart, all of the hard stuff no one talks about in non-adoption circles - ALL of it paled in glimpsing the security he feels in knowing he is wanted, love, provided for and CHOSEN. Not just by us, but by a God that loves him fiercely. All of it paled in comparison to seeing a little boy feel the love of a Heavenly Father. In that moment that Isaiah realized Moses was adopted to be kept safe, his wall of insecurity shattered. He knew he was also chosen to be kept safe until God is ready to fulfill His purpose in Isaiah's life.
A new identity is slowly being bestowed upon Isaiah's head. It hasn't been easy, but with each victory Isaiah has, my character is being refined and my heart is learning what true unconditional love and forgiveness really is.

Thank you Lord, thank you.

To Be a Little Girl

2011-08-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

Daddy, will you catch me if I jump?

And Daddy, when I ask this, I am really wanting to know so much more.

I'm asking, "Will you always be there for me?"

For you see daddy, my heart is still so very tender and I need you to protect it as I heal and grow.

And when my tears come, hold me in your strong arms, for that is where I feel the safest.

And when I don't understand something, your patience and compassion are what is helping me to learn.

Daddy, your love is teaching me to...

LAUGH

DANCE

You see daddy, what I'm really learning is to be a little girl again.

A little girl that's delighted in, for I've never had a daddy whose attention I captivated.

You daddy, are teaching me that I am a beautiful, precious and irreplaceable child of God

that is worthy of love.

So Catch me when I jump Daddy...

And hold me tight...

And NEVER LET ME GO...

And I will learn to dance for always and forever...

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes..."
Isaiah 61

Playdates

2011-08-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in mourning...

I took my 4 precious children along with 2 precious friends to an indoor ~~petri dish of germs~~ inflatable playland. We haven't been in a couple of years, but I had groupons that needed to be used and it was the perfect activity for ALL the children - big and small, boy and girl.

About 5 minutes upon arrival, it dawned on me...I was the only mommy there that wasn't with another mommy. My kids still had their playdates but where was mine? The thought completely took me by surprise and then left this little hole in my stomach. My playdates are days of past. Wonderful memories of a phase of life that is gone.
When your first and even your second are itty-bitty, us moms live for playgroups and playdates. They are our moments of sanity in a world that is full of dirty diapers, sleepless nights, choking hazards, growth charts and car seat safety.

(For those that might need clarity, playdates are mommies sitting in the middle of toy strewn rooms, oblivious to the noise, carrying on adult conversation over their 3rd cup of coffee. We pretended we were getting our children together for their sake (like they really need to be socialized at 2), but every mommy knew the truth - these were OUR playdates.)

Gone are the days when I turn my head and my 2 year old has done this...

We so gradually phased out from that stage of life and into the next that I never realized it was never coming back. And that was 4 years ago!

My kids still have playdates. But I don't anymore. We use the kids playdates as an opportunity to run errands, grocery shop, clean or go to appointments. I think we think we don't need them anymore. But as I watched the mommies handing off their babies so they could run to the bathroom and overhearing mommies discussing what preschools they should send their precious babies too, or what recipes they make that their kids will eat, I realized that maybe, I need that mommy playdate every once in a while. Because the mom handing off their baby is saying, "I trust you with my life." The mom that is discussing preschools is unsure of what the future holds and only wants the best for her child. The mom that is sharing recipes is inviting someone to share her life with. All of these are invitations into her heart.

As my kids grew out of that baby and toddler and preschool age, I found I needed the help and the advice and the comfort from other moms less and less. Maybe that isn't so good. Maybe I need myself a good playdate!
So be-warned...if I invite your child over to play with one of mine, there is a good chance I'll be standing there with a cup of hot coffee for you!

(By the way...on the whole preschool thing...IT DOESN'T MATTER whether you put your child on a waiting list when she was conceived, or stood in line all night for registration or don't send them at all, your child will turn out just fine!) :)

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

Summer in a Nutshell

2011-08-04T15:24:00.000-07:00

OH.MY.GOODNESS! Where did my summer go?? I thought coaching was keeping me from blogging, returning emails, phone calls, texts and cultivating friendships, but apparently it wasn't. Apparently it's just me and my lack of sufficient energy required to maintain that level of commitment.

The last 2 months have been incredible! So many stories and adventures to blog about!
That I WILL get to.
Eventually.
Like when school starts in 2 weeks.
I hope.

But in a nut shell...
After swim team, ALL 4 of my kids went to TBarM as day campers for a week. WONDERFUL!!
Then we took off for Colorado where we spent most of July!
Now we are back in South Texas and all that my kids can do is look at each other, because it's so stinking hot! They don't even have the energy to talk. I.Totally.Understand. So we are going back...to Colorado that is. To the highest incorporated city in the nation, where the high on the hottest day is 72 and the low is in the 40's and the sun shines every day, even when it rains. I'll try and make it back before they need to report to school.

Oh, and I can not wait to post these, but we had professional pictures taken!!! Here is a taste of what the very talented and fellow adoptive mommy-to-be, Jennifer Verme at Bend the Light Photography captured...

Blessings!

That's A Wrap!

2011-07-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

Well...I made it! Only by the complete grace of God though did I make it.
There were days I honestly didn't think I, or my children, could handle one more day. But God promises His mercies are new everyday and whatdayaknow - that happens to be true; so this became a promise that I clung to.

You see, for the last 2 months I've been doing this...

And this...

And teaching kids to do this...

Yes...I'm totally bragging on Jaxon's dive. But I'm SO proud of how far it has come this season!

Something I absolutely love - Swimming and Coaching (but probably wasn't the wisest decision I've made considering I & R had only been home about a month when the season started.) But the LORD carried us through! And He even brought us an angel to help. I am forever grateful to her for the love and care she gave my children and she will forever be their beloved "Sammy." Thanks Samantha! I wouldn't have made it without you! You saw me and my house at it's absolutely lowest and yet you still came back. WOW~ I'm hoping time will erase those memories from your head forever. :)

Behind me are 40 - 60 hour work weeks; but I've been left with 176 children that I came to love, the greatest coaches I've ever worked with, an amazing tan (one that I will blame all my wrinkles on in a few short years), Speedo tan lines that someone my age shouldn't be sporting and an undefeated season for our coaches relay. :)

My kids don't seem to resent me and I'm still partially sane, which is the best I could ever hope for anyways.
So...
To my children, thank you for your patience and your adaptability.

To my Husband, you extended grace far beyond what would be reasonable. Thank you.
To my friends, forgive me for my abandonment. Thank you for not taking it personal. I owe each of you that I didn't return phone calls or emails to for 2 months, dinner at Chuy's. :)
And here is a shout out to all those working moms. I have no idea how you do it everyday. God Bless YOU!

Though Isaiah didn't swim on the team this season, he lost no time in learning how to put on a cap...

And if he doesn't get the swimming thing down, he already has the making of a coach...

Where Ruth is, her BFF is not far behind... :)

So, HELLO SUMMER! Oh, how I've missed thee! With your lazy, jammie wearing, board game playing, movie watching, bike riding, snow cone making, playing till dark - kind of days. I am committed to make the most of you from now till August 22!

Till next season! :)

Happy Anniversary my Love!

2011-05-30T07:12:00.000-07:00

Today we enter into our 14th year of marriage.  But we've been together 17 1/2 years.
WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE??!! I don't feel old enough to have been married this long!!  :)

Brian,
     I think back on my life 19 years ago and the dreams I had and the things I thought were important, and I shudder to think where I would be if God had allowed me to go down the road I had planned for my life. I was an insecure, selfish, prideful, full of judgment and gossip for anyone that would listen, hurting young woman. I came to you with a history of bad choices, yet you showed unconditional love and forgiveness time and again.
(I know we joke about this, but I really think God prepared you, knowing He would call us to adopt, through the first few years of dealing with me!)
     In the Bible, this is how love is described: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
    Brian, in every essence and meaning of the word, you are LOVE. You are patient (more than anyone I know!); you are not envious, nor do you boast. You honor others (even when I feel it's not deserved); you are not self-seeking. I can honestly say in 17+ years, I have never seen you lose your temper, nor can I understand how you truly keep no record of wrongs (how is that humanly possible? It's not, I know.). You rejoice with the truth (especially when it comes to our children as they grasp right from wrong); you would lay down your life to protect us; you trust, you hope and you never give up. We are married today because your love never failed.

What I love about our marriage is that you are my best friend. It doesn't matter what we do, as long as we do it together. From grocery shopping, to mountain biking, to adoption, there is no one I want by my side more than you.

I don't just love you, I'm IN love with you. There is a difference - a HUGE difference. Trust me. :)
I LOVE that nothing phases you. That when I lose my second wedding ring, you tell me, "Jen, it's just a piece of ~~VERY EXPENSIVE~~ metal. It doesn't define what we have." That when I'm stressed and behind on laundry (and groceries and housework because I've overcommitted myself once again), you just swing by Target on your way home to buy a new pack of underwear and socks so I'll not know that you didn't have any clean ones. That when I had my one and only panic attack because maggots were multiplying by the millions and falling from our kitchen trashcan and slithering out from the pantry, you let me call you out of a meeting and rush home to take care of it as I stood OUTside continuing to freak out.

I LOVE that you are the foundation for which the LORD allowed this family to grow.

Brian, thank you for leading me and our children. Continue to seek God in all you do and He will direct your path for this family.

I Love You because You first Loved me. Thank you. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

I will Love You for YOU

2011-05-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

"He cries in the corner where nobody sees,
He's the kid with a story no one would believe.
He prays every night,
"Dear God, won't you please, could you send someone here who will love me?
Who will love me for me,
Not for what I have done or what I will become.
Who will love me for me,
Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means."

(These are the first few verses of JJ Heller's song, What Love Really Means. )

We've been home almost 2 months, and with that, comes an understanding of what our children have been through. There ARE stories that no one would believe. There are still tears in the corner where no one will see. There are hurts and aches and insecurities and years of pain...
BUT
Oh, my precious children! God heard your prayers for a father Isaiah, and He felt your pain Ruth. He did send someone to show you what love really means!

I still look at you, and in complete humility before my King, wonder why He chose us?! Of all the more qualified, more patient, more compassionate families in the world, HE chose us. He chose us to love you. To teach you. To bestow upon you a new name and a new identity. But all of this is NOTHING compared to the fact that He chose us to be the recipients of YOUR love - your life-sustaining, never ending, unconditional love. We are the ones that are blessed with your laughter and your innocent inquisitions, and your delight in life.
Some days I feel like I am on the receiving end of a miracle I didn't even ask for.

So to you Isaiah, I'm telling you now and forever:
I will love YOU for YOU.
Not for what you have done or what you will become,
I will love you for you.
I will show you what love really means.
I will love YOU for YOU. For the gentle, athletic, inquisitive, helpful and smart child of God that you are.
I will love YOU for YOU.

So to you Ruth, I'm telling you now and forever:
I will love YOU for YOU.
Not for what you have done or what you will become,
I will love you for you.
I will show you what love really means.
I will love YOU for YOU. For the funny, dancing, story telling, gift giving, pure child of God that you are.
I will love YOU for YOU.

Bad Apple

2011-05-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

After June 1, it'll be possible to hire a prostitue using an iPhone app.

No, you didn't just miss read that. It says exactly what you think it says...

After June 1, it'll be possible to hire a prostitute using an iPhone app.

I keep thinking that this is some sick joke, maybe a publicity stunt that Apple is pulling, but it's not. It's sick and appalling. Women and children should NOT be for profit! They should NOT be sold to the highest bidder!

To quote my friend Mark Langham at Conspiracy of Hope "As if the struggle to stem the tide of the sexual objectification and exploitation of girls and women isn't bad enought without Apple recklessly endorsing this app. No way that pimps will use this, no chance that child traffickers will create false profiles and faciliate child rape for profit."
(That last sentence was sarcasm at its finest by the way.)

Here is the original story from Digital Life by Rosa Golijan:

According to ZDNet, dating service Sugar Sugar has managed to get Apple to grant its app a spot in the App Store. The curious thing about this news is that Sugar Sugar is not an ordinary dating service. Instead of putting together people who are simply seeking traditional relationships, it links up sugar daddies — wealthy men who are willing to shower young women with money, gifts, and other compensation in exchange for companionship — and their so-called sugar babies.In more blunt terms: The service helps prostitutes and their clients connect. We've certainly heard about such services in the past — WhatsYourPrice.com, Craigslist's darker corners, and an assortment of shady "dating" websites come to mind — but Sugar Sugar's app is headed to Apple's App Store, a place known for its strict guidelines and approval process: The SugarSugar Dating App will be available for download on June 1st through SugarSugar.com and iTunes, and will be compatible with iPhone, iPod touch, iPad, Android, and BlackBerry devices. The app will use GPS technology to instantly identify those seeking ‘mutually beneficial’ arrangements within the user’s vicinity. After ‘checking in, the application will map out the profiles of nearby members. Users will be able to trade stats, show photos or send messages to arrange an effortless rendezvous.

We don't really know how on earth the app slipped through the App Store approval process. After all, there are several Apple "guidelines" which should've prevented it from getting a seal of approval. Among them:16.1 Apps that present excessively objectionable or crude content will be rejected

18.1 Apps containing pornographic material, defined by Webster's Dictionary as "explicit descriptions or displays of sexual organs or activities intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings", will be rejected

18.2 Apps that contain user generated content that is frequently pornographic (ex "Chat Roulette" apps) will be rejected

22.1 Apps must comply with all legal requirements in any location where they are made available to users. It is the developer's obligation to understand and conform to all local laws

22.3 Apps that solicit, promote, or encourage criminal or clearly reckless behavior will be rejected

Given that there are three guidelines which the Sugar Sugar app nearly violates, one which it might violate in some locales, and one which it most certainly violates by promoting prostitution — behavior which qualifies as criminal in many places — we'd assume that Apple would flat out reject it right away. But here we are — a few weeks away from the app's debut."

Please let Apple know this is unacceptable! You can do that here.

THANK YOU!

Mother's Day

2011-05-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

If you've ever wondered how YOU can get involved and fight the injustices of human trafficking and sexual explotations of children, please go visit my friend and anti-slavery activist Mark Langham at his blog, Conspiracy of Hope

He has some wonderful ideas on how you can honor and celebrate your mom while helping out organizations like International Justice Mission and My Refuge House

Thank You Mark for never ceasing to be a voice for the voiceless!

Guilt is NOT from the LORD

2011-05-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ruth's birthday is in a week. And it's all she and I have been talking about for about 3 weeks - the food, the cake, the activities, the friends. She is SO excited at even the concept of a party for her and the fact that presents will be opened for her. And because of that, everywhere we go, I hear, "Mummy, I want this for my birthday please!" Well as wonderful as it has been to talk about it for her, unfortunately, that is where it has ended for me. Between sicknesses and emergencies and just the daily life with 3 in elementary school and one almost 6 year old attached to my hip, my follow through has not been equal to my intentions. Well... knowing that whatever we do for her birthday, it's going to have to be this Saturday (yes, like 5 days away) I realize that I better get a move on. So I multi-tasked. While grocery shopping, we swung by the cards and party supplies and I let Ruth pick out a pack of fill-in birthday invitations. I filled them in and to save a stamp, I hand delivered them yesterday.

Then the guilt sets in. Not righteous conviction, but completely from the enemy guilt. Guilt that I know has no truth or validity to it, none whatsoever. Yet, it starts with such a little whisper that I give it a moments notice as it accuses me of not throwing her a bigger party. Then the whisper shames me because I bought her fill in, from the grocery store, invitations, when I've always done handmade or spent an unreasonable amount at my favorite stationary shop for birthday invitations. The whisper tells me lies, lots of lies, that I don't want to write down here because I don't even want to acknowledge them. I only want to speak truth over my heart and my children - ALL of them.

As I'm allowing these lies to pass through my mind and trying hard not to let them settle in my heart, my precious little Ruthie walks up to me and hands me 3 pages that have been folded, taped and stapled together and tells me it's a present for me. It is a letter she "wrote" for me. As she translates her figures and shapes into words for me, this is what I hear...
"Mummy, thank you for bringing me to my birthday. Thank you for letting me eat a chocolate cake. Mummy, thank you for my Princess skirt because I really am a Princess. Thank you that you are bringing my best friend Gracie to my home. I love her. And you. And Daddy at work. And Jaxon and Isaiah and Chloe at school. But thank you for my birthday. The End." (Her party hasn't even happened yet and she is thanking me for it!!)

I was in the middle of washing dishes and had to turn off the water, for my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. How amazingly tender and good is our God that He would use the exact child I am having such guilt over, to immediately discredit the lies of the enemy and then show me what really is important??!!
It's not whether I spent 5 days or 6 weeks planning or the amount of money I spend on invitations or party favors or decorations. It's about celebrating the day that God destined, before time began, to bring her into this world. It's about honoring her and enjoying and eating all of her favorite things. It's about inviting her best friend to share and enjoy in the memories made.

Oh LORD, thank you for coming for me at the most vulnerable times and for loving me through the insecurities and momentary laspes of judgment! Forgive me for not bringing EVERY thought captive to you Jesus!

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death."

Romans 8:1-2

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;

I (Jesus) have come that they (us) may have life, and have it to the full."

John 10:10

"He was...not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.

When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

John 8:44

Just because I thought this was cute, I'm throwing this in...
O.K., this has nothing to do with perspective...well, actually it kind of does. It all about Ruth's perspective. It is cold here today (shocking, I know!). I think it's in the low to mid 50's and it might not even hit 60. And this is coming off 98 and 96 degree days! It blew in last night - no rain, just a cold front with wind. Well poor little Ruthie has NEVER been in weather this cold. But daddy put in a new slide yesterday and she was bound and determined to go play on it. So I bundled her up in the warmest clothes we own - a sweatsuit from Gymboree and tennis shoes. :) She lasted 10 minutes and came in begging for an umbrella. An umbrella??? "Yes, Mummy! I need an umbrella to not be cold." When I was done laughing, I explained that umbrella's are for sun and rain but not cold. She is still convinced otherwise though and as I type this, she is trotting outside with a Hello Kitty umbrella, bound and determined to stay warm under it. HA! :)

A Matter of Perspective - Take 2

2011-04-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

We have been home just a few days more than a month and LOTS of things have changed. But the thing that has changed more than anything, is my perspective...on EVERYTHING!

Let me explain...

Instead of becoming frustrated that I have been interrupted countless times and have heard, "Mummy" 236 times already and it still isn't 11 am, I am rejoicing that I have children that want to come to me and are not running away.

When I've been asked for the 150th time that day, "Mummy, pick up me please" ... or "Mummy, hold me please," I rejoice that they want my arms wrapped around their little bodies and they want their head curled up on my shoulder. It's easier to ignore the hurting hip, sore lower back and arm that has gone numb when you're busy praising the LORD for the children He gave you.

When we hit day 9 of sickness, I am grateful that I am a stay at home mom and I'm not having to call into work for sick kids. And I'm grateful that my kids are creative...

This was day 5 of Tent City. Inside there were actual rooms and tunnels - very cool.

When I look at the laundry and the dirty dishes and know there is no way I will catch up...yet again. I sing this little song...

Thank God for dirty dishes;
They have a tale to tell.
While others may go hungry,
We're eating very well
With home, health, and happiness,
I shouldn't want to fuss;
By the stack of evidence,
God's been very good to us.

Rather than stressing that there is blood all over the floor and the ER is going to cost us a small fortune, I am praising the LORD for insurance and wood floors, which are easy to clean.

When we have a second trip to the ER, for a different child, I again praise the LORD for tile floors, which are also easy to clean blood off of. And instead of sulking that it ruined a fellowship night we desperately needed, I praise God that because we were with our fellowship team, we had friends that were not only available, but that we trusted to watch our other 3 so Brian and I could go together.

And instead of becoming offended at comments and hateful looks from another human being, I simply smile at them and thank God that he brought me one more person to pray for.

When my heart breaks for the umpteenth time for Ruth, I weep tears of joy that she trusts and loves me enough to open up.

When I become overwhelmed and am hanging on by a thread, I am so grateful that I have a Savior whose arms I can run into. Who wipes away my tears and fills my heart with all the Grace and the Patience I need to make it through another day.

Oh, and I've totally had to let go of the expectation that car rides will be quiet, for I have a constant cheering section EVERY SINGLE TIME I get in the car. If I'm coming up next to a car, I hear, "You can do it Mum! You can do it! GO MUM GO!!" And when I pass the car, I hear, "YEAH!! I knew you could do it!" And this happens with every single car we pass. Heaven forbid if I let a car pass me, you would think I just lost a gold medal. I keep thinking it will subside, but not only has it not, it has taken on a life of it's own and gotten all the kids involved. Oh, and green lights. I think the kids live to yell, "It's Green Mum! GO!" I will never miss another another green light again! :)

Isaiah just started school. Here he is on his first day, wearing what now has become his favorite shirt...

Because I posted a pic of Isaiah, here is a picture of Ruth.

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalms 25:5

"That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe." 1 Timothy 4:10

A Plea For Orphans

2011-04-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

Adoption is a story authored by God. It is beautiful. It is redemptive. It is a rescue - for God rescues us from an eternity separated from His love when He adopts us into His Kingdom.

In most countries, children age out of the system at 14 or 16, at which time they are turned out into the streets, with little to no resources and little to no education. 70% of girls that age out of foster care end up being sexually exploited. These are the children at most risk for ending up in brothels or child prostitution rings. Though I could graphically describe to you the conditions that these children will be subjected to, this isn't the blog for that. I'm here to make a plea on behalf of a few orphans who face a very bleak future.

Though I will always advocate for orphans of all ages, it's the children that are older than 6 that capture my heart. It's those children that many see as damaged goods, not worth the time or trouble because of the emotional effort involved once you bring them home. But, this is the LORD's battle. For He loved each of these children before they were born into poverty. It's to His Glory to restore and redeem their life! Only Christ can bestow upon their heads a crown of beauty where only ashes had lain!
BUT...the LORD needs His church to be His hands and feet!

I've linked to the blog, All Are Precious In His sight, HERE. I was going to copy and paste her blog entry in it's entirety, but I think you need to go over to her blog and read about the 11 orphans from Haiti that she is advocating for. You never know when God will use a story or a picture to change your life forever. :)

I'm Learning...

2011-03-27T20:22:00.000-07:00

We've been home for almost 48 hours now. But we've been together as a family for 10 days.

This is what I've learned during that time...

Slippers means flip flops.
Sunglasses are a prized possession.
Flakes is a universal term for all types of cereal.
Crabs coming under doors and crawling over floors don't bother me as much as I thought they would.
Brian can officially take on 6 children in a Nerf gun war and still win.
Plaster means band aid.
I don't have the first clue how to cook Plantains.
Shoe shopping at Target the first day home was a very bad idea.
All children love cinnamon rolls.
Hugs and kisses is a universal language.
All electronics need to be password protected.
I Spy can be played anywhere at anytime and with anyone. (And apparently sisters can be used as the color that you spy.)
When Ruth says she isn't ticklish it really means, "Please tickle me!"
You shouldn't give a child the combination to a combination lock because you might not like what they do with it.
Lice freaks me out.
Bubble baths can make girls giggle for hours.
Rarely will I be able to finish what I start without being interrupted or pulled away.
Emails will take a minimum of 4 days to get answered and on average 6 hours to complete.
I have needed every prayer and encouraging word said on our behalf and I will continue to need them.
We are blessed with people in our life that are willing to wait out the 2 hour difference in plane delay, just to be able to welcome us home.

And I have learned that I have the most incredible friends that know what I need before I know I need it. That bring our family dinner to the airport. Who stock my fridge and fill my counter with groceries so I won't have to go to the store at midnight. That don't eat at the fundraising dinner because they are doing all the work. That hang welcome home signs on our house. That pick up our car and then bring it back to the airport so we don't have to pay parking. That support us and pray with us and encourage us when the fears and the tears come. There are SO MANY people that have played an integral role in our adoption of Isaiah and Ruth that I want to thank, but right now, to Allison Doan, Jill Goolsby and Cristie Martine, I have no words for everything you've done and continue to do. You represent a piece of God's Kingdom to me. And I will forever be grateful for you. May the LORD richly bless each of you and your families as you continue to seek His will. I can't imagine this journey without you or your families.

I will close with some more pictures.

We are finally together...

2011-03-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting outside under a covered patio, listening to the rain pour down and watching the turquoise waves come crashing in. I have 2 children racing matchbox cars. I have 2 children coloring. The kitchen is cleaned from lunch and a load of laundry is washing. My husband is sweeping the tile floor.

And in the time it has taken me to type these 4 sentences, I have been interrupted 21 times. That's an interruption almost every three words.

This last time was Isaiah. He wanted to show me what he had written...

"I Love you Mummy."

Oh, my sweet dear boy, how tender is your precious little heart?! So many people have stopped us and told us how lucky you and Ruth are, but I'm only beginning to realize the depth of how wrong those people are. We, your mom and dad, are the lucky ones.

I don't have the time or really the words to describe how our family has come together these last few days. So I will share a few pictures. Hopefully they will tell their own story.

The rain has now forced me inside, but the doors are open and I can hear the waves and the rain competing for power. And all the children and daddy have come together for another game of Uno.

My heart is full and I am filled with peace. And though I know trials and tribulations await us in this journey, God's love and grace will always be sufficient. And I will forever be grateful and humbled that the LORD called us to be Isaiah and Ruth's forever family.

Thank YOU

2011-03-10T08:07:00.000-08:00

"...May the LORD reward you for your kindness..." Ruth 1:8

Please forgive me in taking a few days to get this post out. I am overwhelmed and a little speechless at everything that has taken place the last month of this adoption journey. I don't know where to begin, nor do I even have the first clue how to thank some people. Some have given of their time and money in such a sacrificial way, that to just say "Thank You" feels as if I am cheapening what they've done.

Your outward expression is a beautiful portrayal of what is on the inside. And I have no right to "Thank You" for that. What I can do and what your love and selflessness has made me do, is go straight to my knees weeping and praising and thanking the LORD for you! For your beautiful heart!

And what continues to get me, is not that you are giving from the overflow, but that you are giving in faith, from what your family lives on, praying that the LORD blesses and multiplies the money. Friends who are neck high in their own adoptions or ministries gave. Friends, whom the LORD blessed me with one week prior, offered support and prayers and encouragement like I've never seen. Friends I have never met have offered incredible support and prayer through their own blogs.
My Gateway family...oh see...I'm tearing up just thinking of what you've done. You have been our prayer warriors and supporters from the very beginning! Many of you being the very, very first people to know about this adoption as we sought your counsel and prayer. I absolutely can not imagine walking this without you. And I absolutely can NOT WAIT to introduce you to the beautiful little boy and girl you've been praying for!!

This entire journey, God has been refining me in the areas of unbelief, patience and humility, with the spirit of humility, by far, being the hardest. Recently, God used my family to once again teach me how to accept gifts humbly. If you don't know this already about me, I don't take help easily, especially from those I think I am suppose to help. So the LORD used those exact people that I want to help, to help me. It was hard for me to accept. So much so that I tried to tell them that I just can't accept it.
So to you (you know who you are), my words will never do justice to the sacrifice you gave. You truly humbled me to a place of speechlessness. I pray your legacy lives on in the hearts of my children for generations to come.

I know I am not doing justice in conveying my gratitude and appreciation, and I know that there are at least a hundred people that I need to thank by name, but please rest in knowing that I have thanked the LORD for you and I will continue to do so. And for all of you, this is the story that reminds me of your love and sacrifice...

"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and

watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury.

Many rich people threw in large amounts.

But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said,

“Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more in than all the others."

Mark 12:41-43

To ALL of you that lift up prayers of intercession on our behalf; to ALL of you that give selflessly and generously; to ALL of you that offer support and encouragement...

"May the the Lord bless you and keep you;
May the Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace."

Numbers 6:24-26

It's only through the way you allowed God to use you that we will be leaving in less than a week to bring our son and daughter home.! Please continue your prayers as there is still warfare!!

I PROMISE to post pictures and details about the silent auction dinner and announce the winner of the diamond necklace in the next post!!

Silent Auction and Dinner

2011-03-03T07:47:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I have yet to put any of our Silent Auction & Dinner information here on my blog. It's on Facebook and I've sent out emails, but I probably need it here too. So here it is...

Our adoption is final and we leave in less than 2 weeks to bring home Isaiah and Ruth! So in celebration of our growing family and as one last attempt to raise the final funds we need to travel, we are having a Dinner and Silent Auction on Monday, March 7th, at Ristorante Paesanos on 1604.

The event begins at 6:30. You're in for a treat if you've never eaten here because Paesano's food is incredible! You will also be treated to a private concert by our very own December's End. Last year, they beat out over a 1000 bands to win Battle of the Bands, they have been featured on Good Day SA and though it's personal opinion, I seriously think they are some of the most talented musicians I have ever heard. We will have a silent auction set up, where you will have the opportunity to bid on great things like original paintings, photography sessions, gift cards to great restaurants around town, the yummiest little cake bites in the whole world, gift baskets, a romantic weekend get-a-way and many more things!

We will also be raffling off this diamond necklace the night of the dinner. From now until the night of the dinner, raffle tickets are $10 a piece. For information on how to purchase one, go here. That night however, tickets will be $20. At the end of the evening, we will draw one lucky winner!

Tickets are $40 to this event and you pay at the door.

Here are answers to questions from you that I am getting:

1. How do I pay? We don't have the ability to run credit cards, so please be prepared with cash or check. That is also true for the silent auction items.

2. What to wear? The attire is casual. Some will come straight from work so they will be dressed more business casual. But jeans and sundresses are fine!
3. Can I bring my children? Absolutely! However, please be aware that this is more of an adult venue (no playscapes, playgrounds or play area) so if they are younger, you might want to bring something quiet to entertain them.

So to recap...
WHAT: Dinner, concert and silent auction
WHERE: Paesanos Restaurant, 3622 Paesanos Parkway, San Antonio, TX
DATE: Monday, March 7th
TIME: 6:30 p.m.
PRICE: $40

Please don't hesitate to email me with any questions or suggestions! This is an open event so please feel free to bring your family, friends and neighbors!
Also, I am trying to get a general headcount so the restaurant can plan accordingly, so if you plan on coming (and I already don't know), will you please leave a comment or jump over to Facebook and RSVP under the Event page I set up? THANKS!!!

HUGE GIVEAWAY!!!

2011-02-28T06:28:00.000-08:00

Big THANK YOU to Ben Adams Precious Jewels in San Antonio who has graciously donated this necklace, with a retail value of $650.00, to help us raise money for the adoption!!

So from now until Monday, March 7th, we are raffling off this beautiful diamond covered cross necklace!!! For every $10 donated, your name will be entered into the raffle one time. (So for a $10 donation, you will be entered once, for a $50 donation, your name will be entered 5 times, for $100, you name will be entered 10 times, etc...)

At our silent auction dinner on Monday night, March 7th, we will draw a winner. You do not have to be present to win!

PLEASE email me your name and a phone number at mamajax@sbcglobal.net when you make a donation! If you don't, I'll still use the email address entered from PayPal, but it will be easier to get a hold of you if you win :) when I have your name and your number too!

Thank you and Good Luck!! :)

P.S. Please feel free to repost this on your blog and help me get the word out!!

The Elephant in the Room - $$$

2011-02-25T07:08:00.000-08:00

First, I want to say this...
For those of you that have been following us and praying for us and supporting us along this adoption journey - the words "Thank You" don't seem enough. But know that it was your encouragement that carried us when the criticism came. It was your prayers that carried us when I thought I would scream in frustration. Oh, thank you, thank you for your compassion and your patience through this relatively short adoption (only 7 months!!!). I will never take for granted what you've offered us. Nor will I ever, ever, take for granted the protection, the guidance and the grace that my LORD provided us.

So many of you have asked, or wanted to ask but didn't, about the cost of this adoption. So I'm going to be completely open here. My husband might ask me to remove this later, but for know, I'm laying it out on the table.
The adoption of Isaiah and Ruth was quoted to us as $34,000.
As of this past weekend, we hit the $50,000 mark.
Granted, there were 3 things that were completely out of the adoption agency's control:
1. Traveling during the peak season in the Caribbean, which triples airfare and hotel.
2.  We are bringing our biological children with us.
3. The foster fees for our children. (There is no orphanage in this country, only private foster homes. So when you adopt, you owe $500 per child, per month, that they have been in foster care. For us, that was $500 x 16 x 2)

$50,000 IS A LOT OF MONEY! It's more than the national average for yearly incomes. And we have received criticism regarding the cost of this adoption. We've been asked questions like, "Why don't you just foster?  The government will pay you to do that. Why don't you adopt domestically, it's so much cheaper?  Why don't you just adopt one, instead of two, it's cheaper?

So I want to explain something very quickly...
Brian and I were not called just "to adopt."
We were not called to foster.
We were called to be the family for Isaiah and Ruth - siblings.
We didn't "shop" around for the cheapest country.
We didn't search for the child that would cost us the least amount of money.
The End.

That said, the cost was a non-issue. We didn't have the $34,000, let alone the $50,000, so we just gave it over to God. He called us to adopt and as a sweet friends loves to say, "The LORD funds what He favors," so we proceeded with the adoption having NO CLUE how we would pay for it. But I knew that the money was SO insignificant to our God. It was a minor detail, almost just a footnote in this love story He is writing.

To date, $40,000 has already been paid towards the adoption. We depleted our savings (but THANK YOU God, that we had savings!!!!). Brian cashed out stock he had in his company. We took out a small loan. We have had 2 fundraisers - a triathlon and the 147 shirts. We opened a credit card through our bank and put our plane tickets on that. (Sorry Dave Ramsey!) We have stretched pennies and cut back on everything, which honestly, has been so freeing! You get creative and find cheap ways to still eat out. For example...
My favorite food in the whole wide world is Mexican. One of my very favorite restaurants is Chuy's. Pre adoption, our family of four would easily spend $40+ on dinner. Post adoption, our last bill was $9.21. "How," you ask? If you go before 7 p.m., there is a chip, beans, queso, taco meat bar that is free. Tortillas are also free. Brian gets a meal (we do have to order something so we don't get kicked out :) and me and the kids make our own burritos and nachos...for FREE!! (It actually tastes better free.) :)

When Brian and I sit down to figure out the money aspect of this adoption, it just doesn't make sense - on paper - where $30,000 of the money has come from. IT ISN'T ADDING UP! But that's when we smile and praise the LORD. For we know that He already has this adoption paid for. He is just growing our faith while He reveals to us how He is doing it.
So even though we are a little less than $10,000 short. Even though we leave in less than 3 weeks to pick up our children. Even though we should be completely freaking out right now. I am not. I have my "Boots of Peace" laced up real tight and I'm allowing that Peace to completely take over and become a Peace that surpasses ALL understanding.

And I want to say, even if our silent auction doesn't bring in all the money we need, my faith and my trust in a Sovereign God is unwavering. This dinner is not a test for the LORD, to see if He will rise up to the occasion and answer our prayers. This dinner is a test in obedience for me.

P.S. This is why I'm not worried about the money...

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:34

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

Matthew 6:27

Taxi Driver's Association Beach Party (Also known as Day 3)

2011-02-24T06:15:00.000-08:00

I am warning you now, I will not do this day justice. There just aren't the right words to describe Day 3. If only I could somehow display my facial expressions and my hand gestures, it would be so much more effective. But that's not possible. And sadly, I have no pictures. Actually, it's probably for the best that there is no proof or evidence. Only memories, which can fade or become richer with time. We'll see what holds true in this case.

It's Sunday, and because we did not bring the appropriate attire, we were not able to attend church. All I had were sundresses and flip flops, not even thinking that would be disrespectful to their culture. (I'm thinking our movie theater church, with our jeans, flip flops and shorts, probably wouldn't make it over there.) :)

Mr. McLeod

So Brian and I just waited until church was over so our driver could come get us. We had no plans or any ideas on what to do, so Mr. McLeod invited us to a beach party. Not just any beach party, but it was the the St. Vincent's Taxi Driver's Association Beach Party. All the taxi drivers in the country were coming together for a day of fun in the sun! It sounded perfect! How could we refuse? Actually, we really couldn't refuse. He was our driver and this is where he was headed for the day, therefore, this is where we were headed for the day also.
(For those of you that have heard this story told, are you laughing yet?)

So we pick up our kids and off we go to another part of the island. I do have to say, St. Vincent is beautiful. Yes, there is poverty. Yes, there are sheep and goats roaming the streets. And we saw children walking around in underwear with no shoes.

But everything is green and lush and tropical. St. Vincent is mountainous. So there are layers upon layers of trees and blooms. There are waterfalls. There was nothing dead or dry or flat. The only flat thing that I saw on the whole island was the landing strip at the airport and I have no idea how they made it that flat.

As we are heading to the party, our driver informs us that the movie, "The Pirates of the Caribbean" was filmed on St. Vincent. He asks us if we would like to go see the set. I think Isaiah shouted "YES" before we even had a chance to answer.

No one was there that day, but during tourist season, you can order drinks and lunch at the main building where a lot of the movie was filmed.
(The main building is the white building on the right.)

Finally, we are on our way to the Taxi party. Once we arrive, Brian and I head off in search for a place for all of us to change into swimsuits. The fact that we were seeking privacy to change was making this a little difficult. We eventually stumbled upon a public restroom where there was a sign listing the price it would cost to use the facilities. Umm...we have no $ on us. And there is NO CHANCE we are sneaking in. We look like out of place tourists, toting around 2 native children. We look uncomfortable, we look conspicious, we look lost and confused.

Well, I take my chance and trot in with Ruth. I decide to feign ignorance if someone asks me about the fees. No one does, but I get lots of looks and questions about Ruth.

(You see, apparently, earlier that year, there had been a huge story about some white British people trafficking some babies off the island. So everyone's guard was up. And on top of that, if I mentioned adoption, the locals became very defensive and took the stance that there are no orphans in their country. Not the best situation to walk into for us.)

I change us as quickly and as politely as possible, meet up with Brian and Isaiah, and off we go to find our one familiar face...fast!

Our driver was waiting for us so he could walk us past the guy in charge and into all the activities. Brian took anything and everything offered to him as we walked so as not to offended anyone. Once on the beach, Brian told me he would be back in a little bit. He was going to try and befriend as many big men as possible in the next 10 minutes in hopes we would have protection if needed!
Unfortunately, the only man Brian truly befriended was Mr. St. John, a retired 70 year old taxi driver who offered little in the form of physical protection but Brian hoped that protection might come from the level of respect others had for this man. Oh, and Mr. St. John's friend (the name alludes me now) was a young man who thought we were his new best friends. I might need to add that he was so drunk, he mentioned something about hiding in a suitcase to travel, to eleminate the cost of airfare. Yeah, we are not planning on taking his advice.

Our poor children, not only stood out because their parents looked different, but we had brought them brand new swimsuits. Isaiah had bright yellow swim trunks (it's easier to find kids in public places in orange and yellow) and Ruth had a cute little mango colored swimsuit with polka dots and a tutu sewn around the waist. Needless to say, the other children, IF they had swimsuits, did not have anything new or cute. Oh, and I had brought a pair of goggles. I think there was a wait an hour long for a chance to try these "glasses" that let you see under water. Isaiah finally gave up trying to get a turn and just let everyone else have them.

The food and the drink, mostly different kinds of beer and a few local sodas, flowed endlessly. At one point, I found Brian finishing off some meat and rice. He asked me if I would like something to eat. I did, but I wanted to stick with just the rice. So he refilled the dish, which is half of a scooped out coconut shell and handed it to me with a wooden spoon. After I finished, I asked him where he got his own coconut bowl and spoon, since we had not brought our own. He then informs me that they weren't ours. They belonged to our taxi driver. Which he had given to Brian AFTER he AND his son had finished their dinners. Oh, and they aren't washed between usings, just licked clean.
That adds a new dimension to the phrase, "Finger Looking Good!" :)

There were many aspects of this story I intentionally had to eliminate because they are not appropriate or they were disresptful. These parts just happen to be some of the funniest and awkard moments of the day. Just imagine the craziest things that can happen on a black sand beach at a goat roasting, beer drinking, underwear swimming beach party with about 150 locals, 2 sheltered white people and their 2 black children, and that was our day! But I have to admit, we wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world!

It began to rain, which is a daily occurence, and the children started shivering. So we went back to the car to warm them and change their clothes and then head home. As we were heading back, the thought on everyone's mind was our empending departure the next morning. When we dropped the children off, we wouldn't see them again until we came back for them. Both kids did not hold back their pleas in asking us to stay. We explained that we had to go home to finish all of our paperwork so we could come back to get them. Because of their history of abandonment, not just from their mother, I can completely understand their fear that we also wouldn't come back for them.

But what was different about us, is that God is writing this story, not us. And in His book, he does not leave you as orphans. He comes to rescue and restore. So we knew we were coming back...we just didn't know
when.

As we were driving, I took the opportunity to ask Isaiah, what his thoughts were the moment he saw us at the school. He said...
"I looked at you and knew you were there for me. That you were my mum and dad. And that made my heart SO happy!"

This is the picture right after he said that...

Isaiah & Ruth - Day 2

2011-02-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

Isaiah and Ruth are legally ours!! We leave soon to bring them home so I'm going to try my best to catch up to how we got to this point.
If you haven't read about Day 1, I wrote about meeting the children and our first day together HERE. You can go there and catch up if you want.

Saturday, September 20th, 2010, at 9 am sharp, we were pulling out onto the road. (I let out a little scream each time our driver pulls out to the left side of the road, thinking he isn't getting back to the other side of the road fast enough! Then I realize everyone has it backwards and it makes me feel a little better.) :)
We are off to pick up the children for the day! When we arrive, the kids run to us, ready to go. Isaiah had been sick the day before, but he looked great that day and was ready for fun. As we were getting ready to leave, Isaiah asked if "T" could join us. ("T" is a beautiful 11 year old girl that had just come into foster care the week before.) We both agreed that she could join us (a decision that still impacts our life today...and something I will write about one day).

All 5 of us head back across town towards our hotel. From there we take a ferry a few hundred yards to a very small, private island that has a nice beach we can swim at.

We played at the beach. We played at our pool. We built sand castles. We invented new games that required a dock, an ocean and a football. We played catch. We played monkey in the middle. We had lunch in a thatched bungalow. We laughed. We talked. We held hands and we cuddled. We introduced them to Oreo's and rice cakes. It was a beautiful day!

Isaiah asked his daddy to throw him no less than 100 times!

If you know me, then you know I love to swim and I love to coach. Even if my children never swim competitively, they need to know how to swim, especially before summer league swim team starts. :) So, before you even ask me, yes, in the pictures below, I am trying to see where Isaiah's diving and swimming skills are.

So he needs a little work diving. No problem! That's my favorite thing to teach. :) The positive is that he LOVES the water and actually has some natural talent. The negative? He forgets how to swim as soon as he needs to take a breath. Once again, no problem! I know how to teach that! :)

As our day came to an end, we headed back to the hotel to change into dry clothes and take them back to their foster family. And in the short time we changed, they managed to finish off the package of Oreo's. Oops! :)

It took Ruth about 2 minutes in the car to look like this...

Brian carried her into the house sound asleep and laid her in bed where I think she sleep till morning.

Sweet Dreams my Caribbean Princess!!

The Whisper of God

2011-02-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

"LORD, break my heart for what breaks yours! Break my heart for what breaks yours!"

Please understand before I tell this story, that I, by nature, am an incredibly selfish person. It is ONLY by crucifying my flesh and following Jesus that I even have a glimmer of hope to be compassionate, loving and selfless. I can do NOTHING good apart from Christ, who is in me. All the glory be to God as I tell you this story...

This morning as I was driving back to my house, I passed a homeless man selling newspapers. Normally, no big deal. However this morning, the thermostat in my car read 26, with a windchill that I'm guessing is in the single digits. It's cloudy, it's wet and it's is just plain bitter cold. The kicker in this, is that this is South Texas. Our average temp this time of year is probably around 60. He was on the other side of the road, with his back to me, but his posture was screaming, "I'm FREEZING!!"
In the split second that I felt compassion for him, I justified away why there was nothing I could do right then. I told myself:
"He has a coat so it's not like I can go buy him one and besides it's not even 8 am, nothing is open."
"I'm pretty sure he has gloves, so I'm sure he's fine."
"I really need to get back home and get ready for a meeting. And besides, it's a meeting on how to raise $ for victims of trafficking. That's really important and I'm sure God will understand."
"I seriously have no idea what to do. It's not like I can bring him home with me."
"But the traffic is horrible! I don't want to turn around."

You see, the longer I sat in my car, the easier it was to make myself believe that he really wasn't that cold. That someone, somewhere would meet his needs, whatever they may be.

But you see, I pray daily that God would break my heart for the things that break his. And God, in all His mercy and grace, is looking past my selfishness, and allowing me to see a side of humanity that is heartbreaking. Sometimes I run with it and sometimes I bury it.  But I'm finding, if you bury the Holy Spirit - the voice of God, His voice will get weaker and grow more distant, until you can no longer hear Him. That scares me more than anything. So I'm learning to listen and obey, though 1/2 the time I feel completely inadequate and unprepared.

I felt a tugging in my heart that I knew would not allow me to walk away from this man. True, it was completely my choice, but I knew this whisper. So I turned around and sat in a parking lot.

O.K. LORD, what now?
See that Starbucks over there? Go.
Seriously?! The line wraps around the building and to the street! That is a good 20 minute wait!
Go.
Fine. But what if he doesn't like coffee?
I didn't say to get coffee. Get hot chocolate.
I don't think I have any money.
Go.

So I fight traffic and go back to the Starbucks. I eventually make my way up and I order a hot chocolate.
"What size and with or without whip cream?" says the lady.
Ugh. I don't know.
"Tall with whip cream," I finally replied.

At this point, I'm thinking I turned all the way around for just the smallest size drink? Really? Shouldn't I get him a venti?? And I'm still wondering if I have any money. I should have looked while I was waiting (it didn't take 20 minutes, but it took at least 10) but I have a little bible in my car and I was drawn to Psalm 139, which I read while I waited.

I get to the window and open my purse. Laying in my purse is a very old Starbucks card that seriously can't have any money on it so I put it aside and fish for my wallet.  Again I hear the whisper, "use the card."  I'm shaking my head as I hand over the card, and then I search my change to come up with the $2, knowing it won't go through. Well, wouldn't you know it...it did. And I still have like 70 cents on it.
I get the hot chocolate and make my way out onto the street.
(This is morning rush hour on a main street that empties into the highway that takes you to the airport and downtown.  And it's freezing rain and everyone knows that Texans can't drive in the rain or the cold so it's just not a good combination.)
I come up to the intersection that the homeless man is on, but it's a green light. And remember, it's rush hour and wet. I can't just stop in the middle of the road and hold up traffic. So I slow way down and start praying for a red light. I got a red light. I stop literally 2 feet from this man and I roll down my window.

I was completely taken aback. His eyes were clear but his face literally looked frozen. He had snot all over his nose that had completely frozen to his face. It looked painful for him to talk because his lips were frozen.
"LORD, is this breaking your heart as much as it is breaking mine right now?"
I handed him his hot chocolate.
He looked at me and said, "Thank you. Now I can go get warm."
He left his little bag with all the belongings he probably had in the world on that street corner and with both hands wrapped around the cup, headed into the wind. He walked with a purpose and with pride towards warmth.

You see, now that he actually had a drink from Starbucks, he was allowed in the building. The drink and the size of the drink never mattered.

As I drove off, the tears came tumbling down. I cried that in spite of my selfishness, God still chose to use me. I cried that I love a God that is SO BIG, yet He takes the time to see the homeless man freezing on the street corner. I cried that I was driving to a beautiful warm house with a huge bed, while there are people in my city that will literally freeze to death tonight.
I cried because part of Psalm 139 says, "I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!" Oh, how grateful I am of this truth!! Regardless of how selfish and self righteous and frustrating I can be, His Spirit is not leaving me! Sometimes I need more than a whisper and a gentle nudge to move me in the right direction, but I'm learning. I'm learning.

God IS whispering. What is He saying?

What do Fortune Cookies, Won Tons & Airplanes have to do with Valentine's Day?

2011-02-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

I’m not even going to even pretend that I have natural craft ability. Nor will I stretch the truth when it comes to my artistic ability. Granted, my hearts are pretty darn cute and I can make my balloons look like they are floating up into space. Oh, and my teddy bears are adorable...from the neck up.

And that’s pretty much it.

I thought I could draw monkeys but during a game of Pictionary at Christmas, I was clearly informed that no, I could not. (Thanks Suzie for that enlightening.)

But I'm o.k. with this. I'm totally secure in the way God made me and the gifts I do have. And besides, if I had taken most of the artistic ability, there would have been less for my brother to inherit. Who, by the way, is an incredible and very talented artist. Actually all my siblings can draw or be crafty. Oh well.

Anyways, that has nothing to do with fortune cookies, won tons and paper airplanes. So let me get to the point...

When I do attempt crafts, it's almost always a replica of someone else's attempts at cuteness. Their pictures of perfection draw me in and allow me to believe that I too, with the right supplies, can make that object of perfection. And so it happened, once again. I came across a blog where the mom does these amazing crafts with her kids. I clicked on "Valentine's Day" and read through each craft. Valentine's Day Felt Cookies caught my eye and I clicked away. The idea of this craft is that you cut circles out of felt, glue a strip of floral wire to the middle, put a sweet little love note in the middle and then fold the circle to look like a fortune cookie. Then, each day before Valentine's Day, your child can choose a "fortune cookie," crack it open and read their love note. She describe it in such detail and truly, it looked so simple, that I thought, "Sure...Why not?" So off we went to the craft store for the "perfect supplies."

I was so excited to start!! I printed out all the "Love Notes," and all the felt was just sitting there begging to be cut. So on February 1, right after school, we began. (Yes, I realize that we should have been done, not starting, on Feb. 1, but time management is NOT one of my gifts either.)
The kids were excited to get started thinking that something with the title fortune cookie in it, meant a delectable treat. I had to let them down easy.

Our neighbor was over so she got to make them too!

The cutting went pretty smoothly. Granted, some circles were pushing the oval shape, but I was just happy that they were engaged and cutting their own, so I keep my criticism to my myself.
Once 56 circles were cut, we headed over to the counter to hot glue the wire to the middle.

The girls loved gluing even though their poor fingers felt more of the hot glue than the felt! Jaxon wanted no part of the gluing and instead asked his sister and friend to glue all of his so he could do this...

He only stops reading to eat, sleep and watch A&M Football. And even then, he usually has a book at the table, a book in his bed and a book in his lap so he can read during the commercials.

I finally convinced Jaxon to at least try and glue one of his. So what does he do? He grabs the glue gun and starts shooting everything in the kitchen. Lovely. Gotta love boys! :)

So finally all the circles have wire glued to the middle with a strip of felt covering the wiring so it won't show. Now it's time to add the "fortunes" and fold to look like fortune cookies.

I can say, without reservations, THIS is where it all went awry. You see, my laptop was frozen, so I couldn't pull up the crafty lady's directions and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how to make them look like fortune cookies. The best I could do was a shape resembling a won ton. So I showed the kids my folding techniques for a won ton and wished them luck. :) Jaxon decided that a won ton was only one step away from a paper airplane, so he proceeds to make 14 felt airplanes. All of which, he feels need flying practice, numerous times I might add, before getting put up.

(At this point I'm really questioning why I feel the need to do crafts.)

I decided to hold off doing the ones for my husband because I really want to figure out how to fold them into fortune cookies. So we finish the ones for the kids...

The ones in the bag are the fortunes for our next door neighbor... The ones in the thing that look like an urn are for Jaxon, Chloe and Brian.

As entertaining and frustrating as it was to make them, I am so glad we persevered! The kids LOVE opening their "fortune" everyday (whether it's shaped like an airplane, a wonton or a fortune cookie) and seeing what special love note awaits them. Here's an example of what they say:

For Chloe - I love your sense of humor and your creativity! You are such a gift from God!

For Jaxon - You are God's creation and you were made to do GREAT things!

For Brian - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Brian - You are LOVE.

I also gave one to Brian that said, "I love you more than coffee ice cream and bean burritos!"
(For those of you that know me, know that this a WHOLE LOTTA LOVE! :)

The notes are a mixture of scripture pertaining to love and personal attributes that are special and individual to each person.

And yes, I will try this one again next year. Especially since I'm saving all the little felt circles as they are opened. :)

*For those of you that want to try this craft or want to check out any other super cute crafts for holidays (or everyday) make your way to http://www.babeofmyheart.com/ and click on the craft link. It's a great blog!!*

As I was researching which scriptures would be perfect for each person in my family, I came across 1 John 4:7-21. It's all about God's love and our love for Him and for others.

We know that love is important. It's the reason that we are here. It's the reason that God implemented a plan for our redemption. Love is the reason Jesus sweated blood and Love for me and for you is what kept Jesus nailed to that cross.

We think of love as a feeling...something we can fall in and out of. But real love is not a feeling, it's a choice and it's an action.

We have made love into something selfish and something shallow and in the process, we have contaminated our understanding of love and what God truly intended for us. John says, "God is love." He doesn't say, "Love is God." Real love is like God, who is holy and just and perfect.

As you prepare to celebrate Valentine's day in your family, take the time to read this passage within your family and see what it would look like if we thought of love as a choice and an action instead of a feeling.

And remember, the greatest commandment ever given was this...

"The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ... Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

"And over all these virtues put on love, which binds everything together in perfect unity."

Colossians 3:14

IT'S A SNOW DAY!!

2011-02-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

This is what we woke up to this morning! O.K., O.K., I realize that those of you that are in the other 47 contiguous states (plus Alaska) are amused at my excitement over this "dusting" of white. But I live in - South Texas! We woke up to some ice about 4 or 5 years ago, but I can't remember ever waking up to snow. Snow = No School! (O.K., friends in other states, it's o.k. to laugh at us now. It's true, our city shuts down at even the mention of "winter weather" so if and when it actual hits, we go into lock down.) :)

Because you see, the thought of allowing us Texans out on roads that look like this...

would be just disastrous!

(This is one claim I will play ignorance to. :)

So the first time ever, I sent my son out to play, with only the words, "Come home when you're hungry." He didn't think twice about my offer and off he ran! A few minutes later I heard kids in the garage, so I looked out to see 4 helmets and a wagon leaving.

"This can't end well" was my thought. But instead of stopping them, as a wise mother should, I just said "Be Careful" and then turned my camera on. :)

South Texas Sledding

I do have to give the kids some creative credit for this. Not only that, but they got their helmets out themselves.

South Texas Snow Angels

Isaiah and Ruth have been saying for months that all they want to see is snow. SO BUMMED that they aren't here now to enjoy this because it really may never snow here again!!

A couple of days ago, a portion of my facebook post said that "...God is in the very details..." He is in the details of this adoption, He is in the details of our life, He is just IN THE DETAILS of everything!

"Why?" you ask. This is why. The district said that they will not excuse my children from school to travel to St. Vincent for the adoption of Isaiah & Ruth. However, our principal said that she will excuse Jaxon and Chloe so they can go pick up their brother & sister. One of the factors, but not limiting to, was the fact that each of them has only one absence all year. But she did say, "please make sure they don't have any other absences before then."

Well, wouldn't you know it, Chloe got sick last night and threw up most of the night. Needless to say, she would not have been going to school today. NO school = absence. But God brought us snow on the one day that Chloe would have missed. So it doesn't count against her! PRAISE THE LORD!

Though this may seem so simple and coincidental to you, it is not to me. God is taking great delight in showing me how He is truly in control of this adoption. Every-single-detail. Even down to the number of days my children can be absent.

Thank you LORD for your love! Thank you for snow days! Thank you for your patience as I am truly learning to give everything - the big and the small - over to you.

Learning to Wait

2011-01-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

In Psalms alone, I am told to "wait for the LORD" 17 times. Proverbs, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations drives that point home, but also tells me to do it patiently.
Micah says, "But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."
In Zephaniah, God doesn't suggest or beat around the bush; He comes right out with, "Therefore wait for me,” declares the LORD!..."
The New Testament takes a less direct approach and gives us countless examples of people waiting on various things - miracles, answers to prayers, rain, crops to grow, healing, people to show up, etc... And when you think you're done waiting, Revelation says, "...and they were told to wait a little longer."

UGH! REALLY?!

I wonder why there are SO MANY verses reminding us to wait patiently? (Maybe because He knew that this fallen world would produce more than it's share of control freaks.) And can I tell you, international adoption is enough to send even the most mild mannered, patient person into a tailspin of worry and anxiousness.  You can control almost nothing. Zero. All you can do it wait...just a little bit longer...and a bit more...oh, and what the heck, let's throw in a couple more months of waiting just for the fun of it! ARRGHHH! (Say it in a pirate voice. It's much more effective that way.)

Thankfully I'm patient. Thankfully, Brian is even more patient. Not so thankfully, I like to know what's going on. So for the first 3 months of this adoption process, when all the paperwork was in our hands, I was blissfully ignorant. Now...not so much. I am hypersensitive to that fact that signatures are still missing on Isaiah's birth certificate...that St. Vincent goes to court only on Friday's, which means we have one shot, or we have to wait another week....that I'm not appreciating "island time" (which translates "We get to it, when we get to it" - say it in a cool Caribbean accent. It takes the edge off my frustration when said that way)...that our Embassy is closed on a particular day in March which can set the whole adoption back another 2 weeks. I am hypersensitive to the fact that everyone keeps telling me that God funds what he favors, yet we are still about $10,000 short...that we pulled out of a mission trip to Ethiopia in mid-February because we thought the children would already be home.

I'm seriously trying not to focus on the negatives and the "what-if's". One, because it's completely ungodly! Two, because it's a huge trap of the enemy! By consuming myself with the things completely out of my control, I lose sight of what God has called us to. My attention and my focus is no longer on Christ, but on myself and the children. I forget that He who called us to this adoption, will see the work completed. I forget that God already has this completely planned out. Not a single detail has He left out and nothing I do can or will change that fact. I forget that the LORD has provided ways to fund this adoption and I just need to get my hiney in gear and follow through on fundraising!! I forget that I am NOT the one in control (THANK GOODNESS!)!

Though I don't like it and most times I am dragged kicking and screaming to my knees, (figuratively speaking), I am slowly understanding why God wants us to wait - patiently. It perfects our faith and it develops perseverance. It creates a deeper intimacy and reliance on God when we turn to him, not things or people of this world, when life isn't going according to "our" plan or on "our" timeline.
I think my LORD takes great delight in thwarting my self-redemptive plans. :) Why? Because it's in that brokenness, with pride gone and humility leading, that I cry out for help. It's in that place of humility that God meets me. His ears are opened to my cry and His arms are outstretched.
And the best part of His rescue??   He rescues me, not because he feels sorry for me, but because He delights in me!! He reaches down from on high and takes hold of me so that His name will be glorified through the nations! So that the work He started in me, before time even began, will be completed!

We are not only told to "wait" but we are told to "Wait in HOPE." That is an action verb, not a passive noun. We are to be hopeful as we wait! We are also commanded to "Be strong and to take heart!" while we wait. Again, action verb.
I think Christians can sometimes fall in a trap when we wait for God. We can become one of two things:
1 -We can overcompensate because we think God is taking too long and we kick start our plan into action. (Completely faithless and usually where I find myself.)
2 - We become Eeyore.  "Oh, I guess I'll just sit here and wait. Maybe someone will come along and help me. Maybe God might see me and take pity on me. Maybe, if he's not too busy, he'll grant me a wish or two." (Say in an Eeyore voice for the full effect.) The danger of Eeyore is that eventually, your pride will turn completely inward and turn into self-loathing. This quote from Eeyore sums it up,

Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and looked at himself in the water.
"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then he looked at himself in the water again.
"As I thought," he said. "No better from this side. But nobody minds.

Nobody cares. Pathetic, that's what it is."

That is what "Losing Heart" looks like. DON'T LOSE HEART in waiting for the LORD!

So to recap - whatever is going on, whether it's adoption, pregnancy, moving, marriage, job opportunities, healing, whatever..., don't be anxious or worried about it! Take it humbly and persistently before God in prayer, and then
"Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD." (Psalm 27:14)
And through it all, NEVER forget that the LORD is near.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds..."

"Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."
Romans 8:23-26

Books, Books and More Books!!

2011-01-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

Lately, the sound of a knock at the door puts a smile on my face and a skip in my step. Not just any knock, but the sweet knock of our mailman (mail lady actually). I am finding myself actively anticipating her arrival. She has been the reason I've made my appearance presentable (i.e. have changed out of jammies or the hubby's t-shirts) for the day. :) You see, I had a reality moment a week ago when I felt completely unprepared for the arrival of Isaiah and Ruth. I panicked and realized that I had no children's books that celebrated who they were, their culture or their heritage. I also panicked at the thought that my entire preparation was based solely on the first 6 chapters of "The Connected Child." So in my completely, not relying on God-fallen-controlling self, I got online and researched every book, article or blog I could find. The end result was $150 in books, both for Brian and I and the kids.
So...
now all the books I ordered are starting to come in and it's So Fun!! Here are the books that came yesterday...

Up above is a book called "Dancing in the Wings." I LOVE IT!!!! The book is about a little girl whose dream is to be a ballet dancer, but she doesn't look like the other girls and she is taller and thinner, with bigger feet than all the other girls. Though her brother teases her, her mother and uncle encourage and support her and she goes on to be a beautiful ballerina.

From the moment I met Ruth, I thought Ballet Dancer. Her physique, her composure, her feet - everything!

And, she wants to dance! I'm so grateful I found this book.

My favorite though, isn't a children's book or an adoption book, it's a large, hard back book that is all about St. Vincent. It is so rich with history and information about the kid's birthplace. We love reading it and looking at all the pictures. I hope Isaiah and Ruth like it too! I also ordered quite a few books on Caribbean culture and children's books whose characters are from the islands. There is even one that takes the story of Cinderella, but uses an orphaned Caribbean princess as the main character. It's so sweet!

Though I'm so excited and thankful that these books are coming in, I did recognize my behavior as a little faithless. But how incredible that my God loves unconditionally, forgives without holding grudges, and walks me through these moments of "freak out" with such compassion and grace?!
I do know it's important to be prepared, but ultimately, my strength, my counsel and my guidance comes from the LORD and His Word, not books. And how wonderful that His counsel never changes?! If it was changed or updated every few years, I would be a lost cause. :)

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Christmas - The one True gift

2011-01-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

I'm learning a little bit about myself as I try and keep this blog. And I'm annoyed at what I'm learning. I'm not good at this chronological stuff. And because I like to have all my ducks in a row, I am missing out on some incredible opportunities to share the daily and weekly miracles that are happening. SO...I'm taking the pressure off me. I'm just going to write. I will eventually catch up...maybe...I hope.

It's 3 weeks after Christmas and all the decorations are finally packed away neatly in labeled containers in the attic. Well my part is anyway. There are 2 strands I can't reach in the trees and the big bulbs are still around the house. Brian asked me this weekend if he could just paint the green wire white (our house is limestone) and leave them up year round? I could care less, but considering the number of home association letters we received last year, it's same to assume that "they" might care. I'm guessing those will come down this weekend...or next. :)

I am sitting here thinking about Christmas. And I am brought to tears by the simplicity of it this year.
For those of you that didn't know, last Christmas - 2009, my dad was 2 months into radiation and chemo for stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma, Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in his throat. He was very, very sick. My mother was tired and seemed to be hanging on by a thread. My middle sister, had recently flown back home to Alaska after spending the last 6 weeks here helping my parents. My littlest sister had to run out early on Christmas day to make two Christmas's. I'm not going to lie, it was hard, on many levels.

This year though, was different. Again, on many levels. This was not a rushing around, buying-anything-I-could-find-just-because-I-have-to-bring-a-gift type of Christmas for us. For one, every dime we have is going towards bringing home Isaiah and Ruth so we didn't have the money just to spend. But more importantly, this year was about family and spending time together, doing what we love.

My family (minus my dad, my sister and her husband) at the trail of lights on Christmas night.
And Yes, shockingly, we needed coats in South Texas. For that night at least. :)

We played our favorite games, ate our favorite foods, and truly enjoyed one another. It was the first time since high school that I stayed under my parents roof with 2 of my 3 siblings. I beat my dad at Parcheesi, something I've wanted to so for almost 18 years! I ate one too many, actually who I am kidding?!, I ate about 20 too many, of my sister's cookies. (Suzie, please do NOT bring those powdered sugar thingies. They are seriously evil!) We were able to skype with Isaiah and Ruth on Christmas day from my parents house. The foster parents had given them Santa hats and they were so proud of them!

My family kept "popping" in for a quick hello and introduction. I'm sure they were overwhelmed with all the strange faces, but my family is just so excited to meet them! And I seriously can't figure out who is the most excited -their aunts, their grandparents or their great grandparents! :) They sang us a Christmas song and thinking we could teach them a little history about the city they are coming to live in, we decided to sing them Feliz Navidad. Of course, I don't speak a lick of Spanish, so my children and husband are tutoring me on the pronuncation and articulation of each word, prior to our skyping. Well wouldn't you know it, Isaiah and Ruth knew the song - in English & Spanish and sang along!! How awesome! (And yes, I realized they already one upped me.)

But as I think about all of Christmas, I think my favorite memory will be looking over at my father as he made his Christmas dinner plate. Gone was the port in his chest where his chemo was administered. Gone was the single cup of tea that took 8 hours too drink. Gone was the agitated, listless demeanor. His plate had a little bit of everything with an extra helping of gravy, which he says, helps the food to go down. :) Not only do I have my father back and the kids have a Pappy again, but God is truly restoring him...to all the Glory he was always meant to possess. I can't wait to see where God takes him. :)

As amazing as this Christmas was, I am beside myself excited for next year! My parents had 2 grandchildren to love and adore this year. Christmas 2011, my parents will have 6!! That's triple the amount! How crazy fun is that going to be?  Thanks to my sisters, there will be a precious one year old, an adorable 8 month old, a six year old, a 7 year old and 2 ten year old boys. My parents having 4 kids is finally paying off in grandchildren. :)
I'm sure we will be even more broke next year than we were this year, but you know,the latest gadgets and the designer clothes don't matter. It's just stuff that I can't take to Heaven. And it takes our time and attention away from the things that do matter - Family & Jesus. Love, forgiveness, grace, kindness and compassion matter.  Serving others in a spirit of true humility is where our focus should be. A selfless sacrifice - that is what Christmas truly is about.

Though there is no visual evidence left inside that Christmas was here, there is a feeling deep within that never fully lets me release Christmas. Not anymore. Not now that I truly know my Savior -the Savior that was born into this broken world.  Because HE was the greatest gift ever given. And it is a gift from God to Us! Not to be unwrapped only on December 25th, and then put away and stored until Easter and maybe occasionally brought out in a crisis moment.  Jesus is a gift that can be unwrapped every minute of every day!
I know Christmas is past, but there are 11 months till next Christmas. So I'm thinking of it this way, if I start practicing now, I know I'll have it down by Christmas 2011.  It really is simple, but it take lots of practice. It requires us to look away from our self; to crucify our flesh (our desires and our wants) and pick up Jesus's cross and follow Him, whatever that might look like and wherever that might take us.
As John Piper says, we have to "look away from man, and look to God. Look to Christ. Look to the cross, the capstone of a life of obedience and love. Look at the resurrection. Look at the rule of Christ over the kings of the earth. And there may you see his infinite worth, and receive him as the treasure of your life!"

As I go through the coming months, this old familiar Christmas song takes on new meaning;

He rules the world with truth and grace
And makes the nations prove
The glories of his righteousness
And wonders of his love

"And wonders of his love." His love truly is a mystery. One I don't question, yet I long to understand. In an age where offense and grudges run rampant; where motives are ruled by selfish agendas, and unconditional love always seems to have conditions, it is hard for me to understand a pure, undefiled love that is given freely and in abundance. Where NOTHING we do can make him love us anymore. It is by Grace that HE loves us.
If we could learn to love others just a fraction of the way God loves us, this world would have no orphans, the injustices that need fighting would diminish, the hungry would be fed and the naked would be clothed. Hope would be restored to the hopeless. It would be Christmas everyday! I know it's not realistic now. But there will be a day when this will be a reality. So I will wait in anticipation for the coming of my King, for I know he is coming...soon....very soon.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the LORD forgave you. And over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them together in perfect unity."
Colossians 3:12-14

Meeting Isaiah & Ruth

2010-12-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

AHHH! Our I-71 came 2 weeks ago from Homeland Security and our Dossier is safely in St. Vincent and I am still only about 1/2 way into our adoption timeline! I better start writing and FAST! So as a disclaimer, until I catch up, I probably won't be inspirational, motivational or entertaining...only informative. :)

The country we are adopting from requires 2 visits. We got matched in mid-August, and mid-September we began planning our first visit. We were planning to travel the 2nd weekend in October, but one night, we were on the phone with our adoption director and jokingly, I said, "We can always go next weekend." Well wouldn't you know it, she said, "Why not?" That was a Wednesday night. By the next morning, our plane tickets were bought and our trip was booked...for the following Thursday!!

We had no official paperwork in, our child abuse clearance forms had not come back yet, and our child care for Jaxon and Chloe had no back up plan and no room for error. But there we were, boarding a plane in the very, very wee hours of September 17th. I'm not going to bore you with the details of getting there (only because the trip coming home is so entertaining) but after a couple of slight mishaps, we finally roll into town a little after 11 pm. We were picked up at the airport by Mrs. Martin, the head of the head adoption board in St. Vincent and Mr. McLeod, our driver for the weekend. (Don't get any romantic ideas of us in the

Mrs. Martin

back of a town car being whisked around town in a driver with a top hat and tails! It was an old mini van with no AC that he maneuvered through streets that felt like the size of an over sized sidewalk on hills that I don't think I could even walk up!

McLeod

But he is wonderful and he kept us safe and entertained for the time we were there.) From the airport, we were taken straight to our lodging where we had a brief meeting with Mrs. Martin, discussing the timeline for meeting the children the next day.

At 11 a.m. sharp the next morning (Friday) we head to the children's school. It's hard to put into words how we were feeling. If you've ever adopted, you understand. It's a strange mix of excitement, fear, joy and anxiety. We wondered, "What do we have them call us?" "What if they don't like us?" There were SO many questions! All of which were about to be answered.

Kid's School

At the school we find out that the children do not know we were coming that day. I'll be honest, there was a moment of panic, thinking that we should NOT be surprising them like this and we should leave and wait till they get out of school and back to their foster home, and then meet them. But the excitement of knowing that they were only a few yards away, overtook the fear and off we headed to find Isaiah!

The school is set up like a horseshoe, with every classroom opening to a courtyard. Let me explain "courtyard." It's an open area of concrete, mostly broken up. There were no balls. There was no play structure. I saw no jump ropes or hula hoops. Not even sidewalk chalk. At the time, I was so preoccupied with meeting my children that the reality of their situation didn't hit me. It wasn't until later when I was having to explain to Isaiah and Ruth what a park was and specifically, what a slide was, that I realized the complete absence of childhood play "things." Brian and I both immediately felt burdened to bring things back for the school when we return and we were even told by Mrs. Martin that it would be greatly appreciated if we could.

**This is an aside...We will be collecting any donations - from school supplies (crayons, markers, paper) to small recess play things (jump ropes, chalk, balls, etc...) to take back with us. If you feel compelled to donate, we feel compelled to deliver it! :)**

So up to the 2nd story in the middle of the horseshoe we go. You can only imagine the attention we drew as we passed every classroom, each with their door and windows wide open (no AC). Classes stopped momentarily to see what 2 white people - one very bald and one very blond, could possibly be doing at their school. (Needless to say, it made Isaiah & Ruth the talk of the school for days to come.) :) We entered Isaiah's classroom but he wasn't there. As we were standing outside the door talking about what to do next, he turned the corner and started coming towards us. My heart & stomach leaped into my throat! I recognized him immediately and said to myself, "Wow! That's MY Son!" I'm sure from his perspective it was a little overwhelming. Me, Brian, the principal and Mrs. Martin all waiting for him. But he gave us the biggest hug and then was instantly surrounded by his classmates.

Isaiah (on the far left) with classmates

The principal told him to go collect his things so we could go find Ruth and then leave for the day.

Isaiah's classroom

From his classroom, we traveled downstairs and to the right side of the horseshoe to find Ruth. She was not in her classroom either. But when she turned the corner, she got a little skip in her step as she came towards us. BIG hug from her!

How Beautiful is she?! :)

We said our goodbyes to the school and made our way to the foster home. The car ride was relatively quiet, but not awkward as you might think. We were all sitting on one row in the backseat, with Brian and I on each end and the kids in the middle. Ruth just kept looking up at me with these beautiful brown eyes and smiling. Then she would look at Brian and stare for a while and then look back at me. I can't wait to one day ask her what was she was thinking on that car ride from the school to the home. :)

At the foster home we had lunch, prepared for us by the Harris's (the wonderful foster parents).
(P.S. To all my friends that knew me years ago, Mayonnaise still freaks me out just as much as ever and when it is served on your plate, covering ALL of your fruit, you greatly offended your host when you can't bring yourself to eat the food.)

After lunch we got out the presents we brought for the children. There were Lego's, a football, crayons, bathing suits and clothes. The football was completely foreign to them, but after a few short minutes with Brian, they were getting the hang of it. Though Isaiah just couldn't understand why in the world we would call a ball a football if it came more in contact with our hands than our feet. Ruth - WOW! She picked up the football, and with perfect form sent a spiral right into Brian's arms. Needless to say, there was one proud papa that afternoon! :)

We spent about 4 hours playing and coloring and just spending time the children. Isaiah was sick so his energy level was pretty low but he was a great trooper. His favorite thing though was discovering Brian's i-phone contained games. In that moment we realized that 8 year old boys really weren't the that much different, regardless where in the world they might be. :) He also was fascinated by our camera and took about 100 pictures. Which we love because he truly recorded our afternoon and our surroundings through his eyes.

Ruth could have spent hours coloring with us. Again, we realized that 5 year old girls really aren't that much different, regardless where in the world they might be. :) The difference, we discovered, was this ability to hear a beat, any beat of any song, and starting with her head, moving to that beat. Her shoulders quickly followed and before you knew it, her coloring abandoned, she was up and dancing, her entire body moving, in incredible rhythm to Toby Mac's, "Made to Love." We're hoping she will teach us a few of her moves. :)

Look at that point!!

Late afternoon came and we had to say our goodbyes. But we promised to return the next day where we would actually pick up the children and take them for the day! (So fun, but that is another post!)

Oh, and in case you were wondering, we never had time to figure out what they should call us. Mum and Dad, came out of their mouths within about 10 minutes of meeting us. :)

"Lottery Ticket"

2010-12-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

There is another adopting family that God has completely burdened my heart to pray for. On Sunday night, I received an email from the mom of this family and the tears of sadness for their struggle and tears of frustration in unanswered prayer just flowed. Their situation weighed so heavy on my heart, I did something I don't usually do - I showed my husband the email. And I asked him if he would join me in prayer for them. Maybe he could offer a different angle, a different approach to binding the spirits and renouncing the lies that have surrounded this girl.
Brian began to pray.
He did offer a new perspective on what to pray for this family. A perspective that only could be offered by a husband and a father. It was beautiful to see his heart truly burdened with this family's situation. What made it so much more real, and something he picked up on, is that this could very easily be us in a few short months or weeks. So Brian's prayer moved from this family to Isaiah and Ruth. And he prayed something that I feel is important to share. So many times we pray against the spirit of fear and anger and insecurities, against the inability to bond and attach, which are all very real and very important to pray against. But Brian prayed something I've never thought about before. He prayed, "LORD, I pray against all spirits of expectations on the hearts of our children." This may seem insignificant and simple to most. But many of these children, particularly the older ones, can see adoption, especially adoption that gets them out of poverty and into a country they wanted to come to, as a lottery ticket. That all their problems will go away with one swipe of the pen as they are given our last name. That our money and our house and our schools will automatically make everything perfect.
But it won't.
Though we bestow upon them a new identity in their last names, it doesn't erase the years of neglect, abandonment and feelings of unworthiness. It doesn't automatically soften their hearts to love and to accept love. And because it doesn't happen the way the child has built it up in their minds, their little hearts don't know how to respond.
Maybe we are failing miserably, only time will tell, but we are trying to show Isaiah and Ruth now, before we ever bring them home, that their "lottery ticket" isn't the stuff they are getting and the country they are coming to. It's us. A family. A father and a mother and a brother and a sister. Their "lottery ticket" is unconditional love and a safe place to work through their fears and their insecurities.

So to this girl and to every child struggling with self worth, the inability to love and let yourself be loved, insecurities and anger, I am pleading with my Savior to break you. In no way is this a harsh prayer. I pray this, so that in true and unguarded brokenness, He, and only He, will be able to fill you and put you back together again, with more gentleness and love than you will ever know.
That as Christ rebuilds and restores the places that have long been devastated in you, He will place upon your head, a crown of beauty instead of the ashes that have defined your life for so long. That Christ will clothe you with garments of praise instead of the despair that you have become so accustomed to feeling. That you will be given a new name, known only to you, in promise of the man or woman you will be become.
This is not just my prayer for you, it's God's promise and it's the reason Jesus came to this earth. He came to "bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners." Oh sweetheart, the prisoners are not those trapped in a jail cell! Though by the world's standards that is what it seems to mean, it is not! It is those that are held captive by the enemy and his lies, those held captive by the shame of their past, those held captive by fear and the inability to let their heart trust and love and heal. This type of captivity can be even worse than physically being incarcerated, for the sole reason that no one can see it. And it makes it that much harder to seek freedom for those whose hearts and minds are held captive by "the accuser of the brethren."
Jesus says that, "In this world you will have trouble." But he continues by saying,  "Take heart! I have overcome the world."
Though you might not believe it now, you will one day be called an "oak of righteousness." And you, dear child, WILL display the splendor of the LORD.

I also lift up a prayer for ALL adopting families. That as Christ heals and restores your children to all the glory they were meant to posses, that He will also equip you with the patience, and the strength, and the discernment and most importantly, the prayers needed to withstand the attacks and to endure the time it takes for healing to occur.
This is a spiritual battle were fighting. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
BUT...
"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you... Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you."
So put on the full armor of God so that we can take our stand against the devil's schemes and fight from our knees!

Happy Birthday Isaiah!

2010-11-19T04:51:00.000-08:00

To my dearest Isaiah,

Today is your 9th birthday! As I sit here and type, my heart is burdened with sadness. I want nothing more, than to wrap my arms around you and tell you, "Happy Birthday Son! We LOVE You!" You have spent 9 years without a father. You have spent 9 years without a mother that knew how to care for you, but loved you. Though you may not have seen that love or understand this, as a mother myself, I promise you, she does love you. For is she didn't, she wouldn't be giving us, she wouldn't be giving YOU, my dear Isaiah, the opportunity to be loved and taken care of. She loves you so much that she is trying to give you a better life. One in which you will have food - every day. One in which you will have a bed at night. One in which you are allowed to be a boy and not a parent. One in which you will have the opportunity to learn and become a part of a family with a mother and father.

I wish I could be there when you open your present. I know you told me that all you want, all you've ever wanted, is a birthday cake for you birthday. You didn't request toys, a TV, a DSI, a bike (though I'm sure that will all come soon!) :), all you wanted was a cake, with candles. How sad I am that I couldn't give you that one simple thing! I even researched bakeries, but there wasn't one on the whole island! But your foster mom promised to make you one - with candles! I couldn't send a cake. Well actually, I tried. I told Mrs. Harris I would send her Betty Crocker, which is a wonderful box mix, with frosting, if she would make it. Very politely, she told me, that she doesn't use box mixes, everything she makes is from scratch. Please savour each bite son, for this mommy doesn't have the first clue how to make a cake from scratch!

I want to tell you the story of your present - Your brother and sister helped me pick out your birthday present. (I think your brother had an ulterior motive in choosing it, knowing in a few short months it would be back here. :) I went to mail it, along with some clothes and shoes for you and Ruth. I was so excited at the Fed Ex store as they looked up your island and tried to find a postal code for it. It was taking quite a while and a line had now formed to the door. The young man behind the counter told me, "That will be $288." My joy in sending you your first birthday present, went to immediate panic and I just burst into tears. In complete helplessness, I told the guy, "I can't afford that. Is there anything you can do?" He finagled everything into a smaller box and with a huge smile, thinking he had accomplished some large feat, told me, "That will be $213." Between sniffles, I still said, I can't afford that. By this time, everyone in the store knew my plight and knew about you, my dear son. And now 8 more people know exactly where your island is. So I handed him my debit card and said a little prayer that it would clear. :) As I was walking out of the store, the sweet woman at the very back of the line, grabbed my arm and said, "God Bless You! That money will back to you. Don't worry."
I got in my car and just cried. I cried because I didn't really even want to send your present to you; I wanted you to be here so I could give it to in person. I cried because financially, I just couldn't see how $40,000 was going to materialize. I just cried for you. I mourned your childhood and the I mourned the months in between our visit and the time we bring you home.
Well, the money did come back to us, in the form of a complete stranger, but I'll tell you that story later.

For now, I just want you to know that I don't have your all your plans and your future and your college (WHOOP :) all planned out for you. My dream for you is simple - I want you to grow up to "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all you mind and with all your strength and to love your neighbor as yourself." I don't know where this dream of mine will take you. It might take you back to St. Vincent. Or to Africa. Or just down the street. But as long as you are following and loving Christ, I can lay my head down at night in complete peace.
Because really my dear son, you belong to God, not me. You have been his child before you were even conceived and you will be his child until you take your last breath. He just chose me to find you and love you and "train you in the way you should go, so when you are old, you will not depart from it." He chose me to be your earthly mom. But I can't watch over you now and I won't be able to watch over you when you are grown. But because I love and honor a good King, I have complete peace when you and I are apart. I trust my King to watch over you and guide your little feet and keep you safe. And because I am entrusting your safety to the LORD, it frees me up just to love you. I am not filled with worry or anxiety...only hope for the future.

I Love You with all my heart sweet, sweet boy! I can't wait to celebrate the next the next 50 birthdays together.

Happy 9th Birthday Isaiah!!

Caribbean Thanksgiving

2010-11-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm detouring from our adoption timeline for this post because I want to tell this story...

A few weeks ago, our Fellowship Team decided that we should do a Thanksgiving dinner together, but we should do something different than the traditional turkey, mashed potatoes, corn casserole meal. Living where we live, we eat Mexican food a minimum of once a day and BBQ a minimum of once a week, so those were out too. A suggestion of Caribbean food, in honor of where our children are coming from, was thrown on the table and we went with it! It was decided that everyone would bring a dish, or two, of their choice, as long as it was Caribbean in nature, and even better if it was a native dish of St. Vincent, the kid's island.
So I spent the last couple of weeks (o.k., maybe more like the last few days before the feast) searching Caribbean recipes and ingredients, trying to figure out what to bring. I finally settled on Stuffed Sweet Potatoes and Pumpkin Soup. I chose those because:
a.) they looked like something I could actually make,
b.) they looked like something I would actually eat, and
c.) they didn't contain goat.
Seriously.

I was SO excited to see what everyone else what bringing. Rumors had been started and rumors had been discredited only to be started again, that some form of goat meat would be there. I would soon find out! :)

Here are some of the authentic dishes we had...

Crab Gumbo

Pork Tenderloin

Five Fingers! This may seem so simple, but this was the most authentic b/c Brian and I ate them while we were there. We call them Star Fruit, but in St. Vincent's they are called Five Fingers. These were part of a fruit salad that also contained Papaya and Mangos.

My Stuffed Sweet Potatoes.

I personally didn't like them only because it had to much meat in them for me, but..I am going to make this one again. I actually think this could be quite good with just a tweak (or two) of the recipe. :)

We also had Fried Plantains, Rum Cake, Rice, Pumpkin Soup and the ever so yummy and most delicious chocolate chip cookies. (Probably not Caribbean, but no one was complaining!) :)

Oh, and No Goat! :)

After lunch, the afternoon was filled with American pastimes that we will soon teach our children. There was an ongoing baseball game (wiffle ball actually), washers, kayaking, paddle boating, swinging, sliding and playing.

It was an amazing day of fellowship. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized, it was way more than that. We were having fun and playing with our church.

Yes, we go to church, but I don't believe that Church is a building. I don't believe that Church is an event that takes place on Sunday mornings. Though we have come to think of church as the denominational building that you walk into every Sunday and maybe one other night of the week, that is not what Scripture talks about when it talks about church. Church means community. I am going to borrow what John Eldredge in "Waking the Dead" says about church being community...

"The little fellowships of the heart that are outpost of the kingdom. A shared life. They worship together, eat together, pray for one another, go on quests together. They hang out together, in each other's homes."

We have been together for almost 2 years. We laugh together, we cry with one another, we pray for another, we help each other move, we go on adventures together and do races together -- our lives are intertwined with one another. Along the way, we've gained some families, but we've also lost some families. It's those losses that leave me feeling like we, like I, somehow failed them. Maybe if I had more to offer, they would still be there or if our discussions were more powerful, they would come back asking for more. I know it's not true but it's how I feel.

Our fellowship team is intimate and it's vulnerable. Each of us have laid our hearts out there, trusting that the others will walk this precarious trail of life with us. And that is scary! God says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flows the wellspring of life." Guard your heart! Sharing your story and opening your life to others goes against that initial desire to keep your heart under lock and key. But God also says time and time again in Scripture how important it is to come together and pray and have fellowship with other believers.
I know our fellowship team is powerful for God and for his kingdom. Together we seek God's will for our life. We talk about what it means to pick up your cross and follow Christ. We serve the homeless and the widowed and the poor in our community. We bring the gospel of Christ to far reaches of the globe. We love on children in orphanages in places so desolate that most of us wouldn't leave our animals. Together, we are powerful for God. I don't say this to bring us recognition or for a pat on the back, I say this because I know the enemy recognizes this and he attacks these relationships with a vengeance.
Going to church with hundreds of people isn't going to require much risk or ask much of you. It will certainly never expose you. But community - a fellowship - will.
As a result, we've experienced disappointments and hurts. Every last one of us have hurt one another. BUT, and this is huge, though the enemy has won a few battles, he has not won the war and broken our "church." We have walked long enough with one another to know that our hearts are good towards one another. And this makes it so much easier to trust and forgive. In the moment, our feelings may be hurt and we may disagree, but we can always come back to the truth that their heart is good towards you.
Fellowship, a true community, the "church" - this is something we have to fight for. We had to fight to have one and we have to fight to keep it going. But isn't anything worth having, worth fighting for?

I don't know what the future holds for our fellowship team and who might come and who might go. But I know that each person that makes up our team right now, is a unique and beautiful representation of Christ and I am made better by each person in there that challenges me to think and grow. I can't imagine walking this road to adoption without their support and prayers. Thank you isn't enough, but Thank you is all I have.

My prayer is that each believer can know what it's like to have a fellowship that is safe to share your stories in, one that will help you to discover the glory that have to offer, that walks with you as grow closer to Christ, that prays for you without your asking - one that fights for your heart!!

To the women in my "church" - I Love You. I know it hasn't always been easy, but it's always been worth fighting for.

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer."

Getting Matched

2010-11-11T20:24:00.000-08:00

Two agencies and four weeks after my heart was captured, we finally recieved the phone call. I was in the middle of ordering Changs Spicy Chicken and I heard my phone ringing in my purse. I stopped mid-order, looked at the # and literally ran out of the restaurant. The words, "they are still available" should have come as no surprise, as I knew in my heart God was knitting our family together, but it was as if I could breathe again. The relief was overwhelming and I just started crying. Tears of joy. Tears of relief. Tears of anticipation.

Now the paperwork began. Not international adoption paperwork, but matching paperwork. We had to get matched to Isaiah & Ruth before we even found a social worker, began a home study or anything else a "normal" adoption process might include.  Getting "matched" just means on paper, we look like we would be a good fit for these children. So in record time we produced 7 typed pages of answers to questions like "How we deal with stress," "Reasons why we want to adopt," "Our family and our childhoods," "The attitudes of our family regarding adoption," "Parenting styles and discipline," "Birth parents and their rights," and the list goes on and on.

Those questions, as tedious as they seemed, helped us filter our feelings and emotions and we realized, this wasn't about doing a good deed. This wasn't about just helping some kids out.  We were not on a path looking for the easiest child to raise or the one that would cause our family the least inconvenience. We wanted to adopt Isaiah and Ruth. Period. We wanted to become their family - forever. Whatever that meant and whatever that looked like.

So off we mailed (overnighted to be exact) our paperwork and a check (for what felt like the equivalent to what my husband makes in a week! UGH!) to a California adoption agency. It took exactly 5 days for them to get back to us. She began by saying, "ya'll seem like wonderful parents..." My heart dropped. That's what someone says when they are about to drop a bombshell on you.  It's the line - "I think you're great, but I'm just not looking for a serious relationship right now." She wasn't getting to the point, so I finally had to stop her and with all the grace that I posses, ask her, "are we matched?" That's when I found out that the California agency was only a screening agency for the agency that is actually handling the adoption. But that yes, we had passed their screening. Immediate relief turned into that sick feeling you get in your stomach. Now we had to wait for the actual adoption agency to interview us, and officially match us.

It took about a week and two phone calls totaling almost 4 hours in length for them to find out everything they needed about us and for us to find out everything we needed to know about the children. There were moments during the conversations that were difficult and my heart just broke. But with each passing minute, I knew they were ours and I felt time was of the essence. I wanted them home...yesterday!
We signed an intent to adopt agreement and the official adoption procedures began...

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’” Luke 15:4-7

To be Fathered

2010-11-10T20:19:00.000-08:00

I have so many stories I want to tell, but they won't make sense until I finish the who, what, where, when and why of this adoption. So bear with me. :)

So late one night, as I'm clicking through "Bringing Hope to the Children", Isaiah and Ruth pop up on my screen. I KNOW I was in the China section, which now, just makes me smile because I see God's handiwork written throughout this entire journey.
Before I even read their profile, I know I want to bring them home. After I read their profile, I knew we were bringing them home. This was their profile...

Isaiah and Ruth are siblings with an ability to remain strong and positive even when they don't have a lot to be happy about. Their mother is very young, unemployed, and lives in conditions described by authorities as "deplorable". Isaiah is currently in foster care, where he receives food and is sent to school. His teachers report he is doing well there and gets along with his peers. Ruth is still at "home" (calling it a home is a stretch) but their mother cannot care for her and understands that it is not a healthy environment for a child. Both children are healthy, with no known medical issues. They are both developmentally on target. Their country requires two trips (one week each), but is located in the Caribbean, so the distance is not too great. A two-parent family is required for this sibling pair since Isaiah has requested a father. These are two remarkable children...

"Isaiah has requested a father." That is what got me. A child who knows nothing of fathers but abandonment and abuse, had the courage to go before an adoption board and request a father. A Father! How did he even know to ask for one?! Oh, that is the beauty of the story that God writes on our hearts! It's the stuff fairy tales are made of. But instead of a princess awaiting her prince, it's a little boy awaiting his father. I'm totally getting ahead of myself here, but I have to share this picture with you.

This is from the second day we spent with the children. Isaiah has never been loved, accepted, or adored by a father. And now he is being played with - by HIS FATHER! This picture is what a dream looks like when it comes true. I wish you could see his face. I don't think he stopped smiling that entire day. :)

So...a father. Really, that's all he wants? That is undeniably something we can offer. It seems so simple really.
And so with a captured heart, we proceeded...

Answers

2010-11-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, we are embarking on a new chapter in our life, one that is unchartered for our family, but one that God wrote before time even began. As our story is unfolding, we are realizing that it is a true love story. And with every great romance, there is adventure and heartache, and ours is no exception.
So here's our story...

I've had quite a few people in the last few months say to me, "Oh, you're adopting? That's wonderful! My husband and I have been praying about doing that." To them, I say, "Oh, you're praying about it? That's wonderful!" And I truly mean that.

You see, we haven't gone about this adoption the traditional way, if there is even such a thing. Neither Brian or I had spent late nights discussing adoption. We had never gone to the LORD asking his advice on how to proceed with adoption. I had never dreamed of an almond eyed beauty that would one day be mine, or a little African boy to cuddle and teach to swim.

Let me be clear though- we support adoption 110% and I think it's amazing - but it wasn't for us, it was for other families...that is, until this August.

In July, I was on a wesbite for Asian children with special needs that desperately need loving homes. I was on there trying to find out some info on a 13 year old Chinese girl that had less than 4 months to find a forever family or she would be turned out on the streets. For in China, at 14 you age out of the system. And that leaves a little girl very desperate and very vulnerable to being trafficked as a sex slave. I had a vested interest in helping to find her a home - fast. I never did locate that little girl. But I did find Isaiah and Ruth, neither were they Asian or were they special needs. But there they were anyway. A brother and a sister. A boy and a girl. An 8 year old and a 5 year old. My children - in another country. I saw our 8 year old son in Isaiah and I saw our 5 year old daughter in Ruth. And it that moment, I felt God's heart towards each and every 147 million orphans on this earth. And in that moment, our family of 4 grew to a family of 6.

I would be absolutely lying if I told you it has been a bed of roses since that first phone call in July when we found out they were still available. There has been many tears and many heartaches. But there has been joy. Not instant gratification happiness, but true sustained joy. I have seen ordinary people become angels and I have seen hearts transformed in a way that is not humanly possible. I have seen the ugly and selfish side of humanity, but I have also seen tenderness and compassion in strangers that have left me weeping.

I pray that over the next few weeks and months, I will be able to write all of the amazing stories - the good and the bad that have come as a result of this adoption. I want to share our journey to meet them. I want Isaiah and Ruth to be able to read this one day and understand what we went through to be able to love them and take care of them for the rest of their lives.

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:17

Speechless

2010-09-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

I've been at a loss for words recently, and if you know me, that is incredibly rare. It just seems that I've been unable to find the right words to put behind the emotions that have surfaced as a result of proceeding with our adoption. I've been brought to tears, unable to speak, because of the kindness of complete strangers. Friends and family have left me speechless, through their words and their actions.
As a result, I haven't been able to answer the many questions asked of us. This is why I'm starting this blog. Here, I can answer the Who, What, Where, Why and How of this whole adoption. And I pray that through it all, you will be able to see God's handiwork.
So please journey with me as God begins reading the next chapter...one that He wrote before time ever began...