Isaiah's Bedtime Prayer

It's been a while since I've blogged.  And if you relate the absence of blogging to the possibility that my life turned upside down since school started, then you would be correct.

But something happened tonight that I want to both share and remember.

Our bedtime bible story was the story of baby Moses.  We read it, discussed it and then I prayed.  I then asked the kids if any of them wanted to pray.  Here is what ensued...

From Isaiah:
Dear God,
My daddy tells me all the time that I'm going to do great things.  Now I believe him.  I'm adopted just like Moses.  You saved his life because you had a plan for his life.  Because he was going to grow up to do something great for you so you kept him safe and alive.  Now I KNOW I'm going to do great things because you saved me and my sister Ruthie.  You saved our lives and gave me the best family ever.  I love my family God.  I love my daddy and my mommy and my brother and my sisters.  God, you gave me the bestest family in the whole world.  Thank you.  Thank you that when my birth mom couldn't take care of me, that you had another mom for me.  And thank you so much for my daddy.  Thank you that he plays with me and he teaches me all the stuff I don't understand, like rounding, but now I do, because my daddy taught me.  And thank you that my mom always makes me food and washes my clothes.  God I really, really do love my family.  I have the best family... 
...

And on and on his prayer went for about 7 minutes...EVERY WORD thanking God for us - his family.  For giving him a better life. 
When he was done, I couldn't even utter the word Amen because I was too choked up. 

I'm not going to lie, it has been a rough few months.  But in that prayer, all the tears, the heartache, the frustration that has been piling up in my heart, all of the hard stuff no one talks about in non-adoption circles - ALL of it paled in glimpsing the security he feels in knowing he is wanted, love, provided for and CHOSEN.  Not just by us, but by a God that loves him fiercely.   All of it paled in comparison to seeing a little boy feel the love of a Heavenly Father.  In that moment that Isaiah realized Moses was adopted to be kept safe, his wall of insecurity shattered. He knew he was also chosen to be kept safe until God is ready to fulfill His purpose in Isaiah's life. 
A new identity is slowly being bestowed upon Isaiah's head.  It hasn't been easy, but with each victory Isaiah has, my character is being refined and my heart is learning what true unconditional love and forgiveness really is. 

Thank you Lord, thank you.

To Be a Little Girl

Daddy, will you catch me if I jump?

And Daddy, when I ask this, I am really wanting to know so much more. 

I'm asking, "Will you always be there for me?"

For you see daddy, my heart is still so very tender and I need you to protect it as I heal and grow.  

And when my tears come, hold me in your strong arms, for that is where I feel the safest. 

And when I don't understand something, your patience and compassion are what is helping me to learn. 

Daddy, your love is teaching me to...

 

LAUGH

DANCE

SHARE

You see daddy, what I'm really learning is to be a little girl again.  

A little girl that's delighted in, for I've never had a daddy whose attention I captivated.   

You daddy, are teaching me that I am a beautiful, precious and irreplaceable child of God

that is worthy of love.

 

So Catch me when I jump Daddy...

And hold me tight...

And NEVER LET ME GO...

And I will learn to dance for always and forever...

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes..."
Isaiah 61

Playdates

I'm in mourning...

I took my 4 precious children along with 2 precious friends to an indoor petri dish of germs inflatable playland.  We haven't been in a couple of years, but I had groupons that needed to be used and it was the perfect activity for ALL the children - big and small, boy and girl. 

About 5 minutes upon arrival, it dawned on me...I was the only mommy there that wasn't with another mommy.  My kids still had their playdates but where was mine?  The thought completely took me by surprise and then left this little hole in my stomach.  My playdates are days of past.  Wonderful memories of a phase of life that is gone. 
When your first and even your second are itty-bitty, us moms live for playgroups and playdates.  They are our moments of sanity in a world that is full of dirty diapers, sleepless nights, choking hazards, growth charts and car seat safety.

(For those that might need clarity, playdates are mommies sitting in the middle of toy strewn rooms, oblivious to the noise, carrying on adult conversation over their 3rd cup of coffee.  We pretended we were getting our children together for their sake (like they really need to be socialized at 2), but every mommy knew the truth - these were OUR playdates.) 

Gone are the days when I turn my head and my 2 year old has done this...

 
We so gradually phased out from that stage of life and into the next that I never realized it was never coming back.  And that was 4 years ago!

My kids still have playdates.  But I don't anymore.  We use the kids playdates as an opportunity to run errands, grocery shop, clean or go to appointments.  I think we think we don't need them anymore.  But as I watched the mommies handing off their babies so they could run to the bathroom and overhearing mommies discussing what preschools they should send their precious babies too, or what recipes they make that their kids will eat, I realized that maybe, I need that mommy playdate every once in a while.   Because the mom handing off their baby is saying, "I trust you with my life."  The mom that is discussing preschools is unsure of what the future holds and only wants the best for her child.  The mom that is sharing recipes is inviting someone to share her life with.  All of these are invitations into her heart.

As my kids grew out of that baby and toddler and preschool age, I found I needed the help and the advice and the comfort from other moms less and less.  Maybe that isn't so good.  Maybe I need myself a good playdate!
So be-warned...if I invite your child over to play with one of mine, there is a good chance I'll be standing there with a cup of hot coffee for you!

(By the way...on the whole preschool thing...IT DOESN'T MATTER whether you put your child on a waiting list when she was conceived, or stood in line all night for registration or don't send them at all, your child will turn out just fine!) :)

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

Summer in a Nutshell

OH.MY.GOODNESS!  Where did my summer go??  I thought coaching was keeping me from blogging, returning emails, phone calls, texts and cultivating friendships, but apparently it wasn't.  Apparently it's just me and my lack of sufficient energy required to maintain that level of commitment. 

The last 2 months have been incredible!  So many stories and adventures to blog about! 
That I WILL get to. 
Eventually. 
Like when school starts in 2 weeks. 
I hope.

But in a nut shell...
After swim team, ALL 4 of my kids went to TBarM as day campers for a week.  WONDERFUL!!
Then we took off for Colorado where we spent most of July!
Now we are back in South Texas and all that my kids can do is look at each other, because it's so stinking hot!  They don't even have the energy to talk.  I.Totally.Understand.  So we are going back...to Colorado that is.  To the highest incorporated city in the nation, where the high on the hottest day is 72 and the low is in the 40's and the sun shines every day, even when it rains.  I'll try and make it back before they need to report to school.

Oh, and I can not wait to post these, but we had professional pictures taken!!!  Here is a taste of what the very talented and fellow adoptive mommy-to-be, Jennifer Verme at Bend the Light Photography captured...

Blessings!

That's A Wrap!

Well...I made it!  Only by the complete grace of God though did I make it. 
There were days I honestly didn't think I, or my children, could handle one more day.  But God promises His mercies are new everyday and whatdayaknow - that happens to be true; so this became a promise that I clung to.

You see, for the last 2 months I've been doing this...

And this...

And teaching kids to do this...

Yes...I'm totally bragging on Jaxon's dive.  But I'm SO proud of how far it has come this season!

Something I absolutely love - Swimming and Coaching (but probably wasn't the wisest decision I've made considering I & R had only been home about a month when the season started.)  But the LORD carried us through!  And He even brought us an angel to help.  I am forever grateful to her for the love and care she gave my children and she will forever be their beloved "Sammy."  Thanks Samantha!  I wouldn't have made it without you!  You saw me and my house at it's absolutely lowest and yet you still came back.  WOW~ I'm hoping time will erase those memories from your head forever. :)

Behind me are 40 - 60 hour work weeks; but I've been left with 176 children that I came to love, the greatest coaches I've ever worked with, an amazing tan (one that I will blame all my wrinkles on in a few short years), Speedo tan lines that someone my age shouldn't be sporting and an undefeated season for our coaches relay. :)

My kids don't seem to resent me and I'm still partially sane, which is the best I could ever hope for anyways.
So...
To my children, thank you for your patience and your adaptability. 

To my Husband, you extended grace far beyond what would be reasonable.  Thank you. 
To my friends, forgive me for my abandonment.  Thank you for not taking it personal.  I owe each of you that I didn't return phone calls or emails to for 2 months, dinner at Chuy's.  :)
And here is a shout out to all those working moms.  I have no idea how you do it everyday.  God Bless YOU!

Though Isaiah didn't swim on the team this season, he lost no time in learning how to put on a cap...

And if he doesn't get the swimming thing down, he already has the making of a coach...

Where Ruth is, her BFF is not far behind... :)

So, HELLO SUMMER!  Oh, how I've missed thee!  With your lazy, jammie wearing, board game playing, movie watching, bike riding, snow cone making, playing till dark - kind of days.  I am committed to make the most of you from now till August 22!

Till next season! :)

Happy Anniversary my Love!

Today we enter into our 14th year of marriage.  But we've been together 17 1/2 years. 
WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE??!!  I don't feel old enough to have been married this long!!  :)

Brian,
     I think back on my life 19 years ago and the dreams I had and the things I thought were important, and I shudder to think where I would be if God had allowed me to go down the road I had planned for my life.  I was an insecure, selfish, prideful, full of judgment and gossip for anyone that would listen, hurting young woman.  I came to you with a history of bad choices, yet you showed unconditional love and forgiveness time and again. 
(I know we joke about this, but I really think God prepared you, knowing He would call us to adopt, through the first few years of dealing with me!)
     In the Bible, this is how love is described:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.
    Brian, in every essence and meaning of the word, you are LOVE.  You are patient (more than anyone I know!); you are not envious, nor do you boast.  You honor others (even when I feel it's not deserved); you are not self-seeking.  I can honestly say in 17+ years, I have never seen you lose your temper, nor can I understand how you truly keep no record of wrongs (how is that humanly possible?  It's not, I know.).  You rejoice with the truth (especially when it comes to our children as they grasp right from wrong); you would lay down your life to protect us; you trust, you hope and you never give up.  We are married today because your love never failed.

What I love about our marriage is that you are my best friend.  It doesn't matter what we do, as long as we do it together.  From grocery shopping, to mountain biking, to adoption, there is no one I want by my side more than you.

I don't just love you, I'm IN love with you.  There is a difference - a HUGE difference. Trust me. :)
I LOVE that nothing phases you.  That when I lose my second wedding ring, you tell me, "Jen, it's just a piece of VERY EXPENSIVE metal.  It doesn't define what we have."  That when I'm stressed and behind on laundry (and groceries and housework because I've overcommitted myself once again), you just swing by Target on your way home to buy a new pack of underwear and socks so I'll not know that you didn't have any clean ones.  That when I had my one and only panic attack because maggots were multiplying by the millions and falling from our kitchen trashcan and slithering out from the pantry, you let me call you out of a meeting and rush home to take care of it as I stood OUTside continuing to freak out. 

I LOVE that you are the foundation for which the LORD allowed this family to grow. 

Brian, thank you for leading me and our children.  Continue to seek God in all you do and He will direct your path for this family.

I Love You because You first Loved me.  Thank you.  HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! 

I will Love You for YOU

"He cries in the corner where nobody sees,
He's the kid with a story no one would believe.
He prays every night,
"Dear God, won't you please, could you send someone here who will love me?
Who will love me for me,
Not for what I have done or what I will become.
Who will love me for me,
Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means."

(These are the first few verses of JJ Heller's song, What Love Really Means. )

We've been home almost 2 months, and with that, comes an understanding of what our children have been through.  There ARE stories that no one would believe.  There are still tears in the corner where no one will see.   There are hurts and aches and insecurities and years of pain...
BUT
Oh, my precious children!  God heard your prayers for a father Isaiah, and He felt your pain Ruth.  He did send someone to show you what love really means!

I still look at you, and in complete humility before my King, wonder why He chose us?!  Of all the more qualified, more patient, more compassionate families in the world, HE chose us.  He chose us to love you.  To teach you.  To bestow upon you a new name and a new identity.  But all of this is NOTHING compared to the fact that He chose us to be the recipients of YOUR love - your life-sustaining, never ending, unconditional love.  We are the ones that are blessed with your laughter and your innocent inquisitions, and your delight in life. 
Some days I feel like I am on the receiving end of a miracle I didn't even ask for. 

So to you Isaiah, I'm telling you now and forever:
I will love YOU for YOU.
Not for what you have done or what you will become,
I will love you for you.
I will show you what love really means.
I will love YOU for YOU.  For the gentle, athletic, inquisitive, helpful and smart child of God that you are. 
I will love YOU for YOU. 

So to you Ruth, I'm telling you now and forever:
I will love YOU for YOU.
Not for what you have done or what you will become,
I will love you for you.
I will show you what love really means.
I will love YOU for YOU.  For the funny, dancing, story telling, gift giving, pure child of God that you are. 
I will love YOU for YOU.