The Whisper of God

"LORD, break my heart for what breaks yours!  Break my heart for what breaks yours!"

Please understand before I tell this story, that I, by nature, am an incredibly selfish person.  It is ONLY by crucifying my flesh and following Jesus that I even have a glimmer of hope to be compassionate, loving and selfless.  I can do NOTHING good apart from Christ, who is in me.  All the glory be to God as I tell you this story...

This morning as I was driving back to my house, I passed a homeless man selling newspapers.  Normally, no big deal.  However this morning, the thermostat in my car read 26, with a windchill that I'm guessing is in the single digits.  It's cloudy, it's wet and it's is just plain bitter cold.  The kicker in this, is that this is South Texas.  Our average temp this time of year is probably around 60.  He was on the other side of the road, with his back to me, but his posture was screaming, "I'm FREEZING!!"
In the split second that I felt compassion for him, I justified away why there was nothing I could do right then.  I told myself:
"He has a coat so it's not like I can go buy him one and besides it's not even 8 am, nothing is open."
"I'm pretty sure he has gloves, so I'm sure he's fine."
"I really need to get back home and get ready for a meeting.  And besides, it's a meeting on how to raise $ for victims of trafficking.  That's really important and I'm sure God will understand."
"I seriously have no idea what to do.  It's not like I can bring him home with me."
"But the traffic is horrible!  I don't want to turn around."

You see, the longer I sat in my car, the easier it was to make myself believe that he really wasn't that cold.  That someone, somewhere would meet his needs, whatever they may be.

But you see, I pray daily that God would break my heart for the things that break his.  And God, in all His mercy and grace, is looking past my selfishness, and allowing me to see a side of humanity that is heartbreaking.  Sometimes I run with it and sometimes I bury it.  But I'm finding, if you bury the Holy Spirit - the voice of God, His voice will get weaker and grow more distant, until you can no longer hear Him.  That scares me more than anything.  So I'm learning to listen and obey, though 1/2 the time I feel completely inadequate and unprepared. 

I felt a tugging in my heart that I knew would not allow me to walk away from this man.  True, it was completely my choice, but  I knew this whisper.  So I turned around and sat in a parking lot.

O.K. LORD, what now?
See that Starbucks over there?  Go.
Seriously?!  The line wraps around the building and to the street!  That is a good 20 minute wait!
Go.
Fine.  But what if he doesn't like coffee?
I didn't say to get coffee.  Get hot chocolate.
I don't think I have any money.
Go.

So I fight traffic and go back to the Starbucks.  I eventually make my way up and I order a hot chocolate.
"What size and with or without whip cream?" says the lady.
Ugh.  I don't know.
"Tall with whip cream," I finally replied.

At this point, I'm thinking I turned all the way around for just the smallest size drink?  Really?  Shouldn't I get him a venti??  And I'm still wondering if I have any money.  I should have looked while I was waiting (it didn't take 20 minutes, but it took at least 10) but I have a little bible in my car and I was drawn to Psalm 139, which I read while I waited.

I get to the window and open my purse.  Laying in my purse is a very old Starbucks card that seriously can't have any money on it so I put it aside and fish for my wallet.  Again I hear the whisper, "use the card."  I'm shaking my head as I hand over the card, and then I search my change to come up with the $2, knowing it won't go through.  Well, wouldn't you know it...it did.  And I still have like 70 cents on it.
I get the hot chocolate and make my way out onto the street. 
(This is morning rush hour on a main street that empties into the highway that takes you to the airport and downtown.  And it's freezing rain and everyone knows that Texans can't drive in the rain or the cold so it's just not a good combination.)     
I come up to the intersection that the homeless man is on, but it's a green light.  And remember, it's rush hour and wet.  I can't just stop in the middle of the road and hold up traffic.  So I slow way down and start praying for a red light.  I got a red light.  I stop literally 2 feet from this man and I roll down my window. 

I was completely taken aback.  His eyes were clear but his face literally looked frozen.  He had snot all over his nose that had completely frozen to his face.  It looked painful for him to talk because his lips were frozen. 
"LORD, is this breaking your heart as much as it is breaking mine right now?"
I handed him his hot chocolate.
He looked at me and said, "Thank you.  Now I can go get warm."
He left his little bag with all the belongings he probably had in the world on that street corner and with both hands wrapped around the cup, headed into the wind.  He walked with a purpose and with pride towards warmth.

You see, now that he actually had a drink from Starbucks, he was allowed in the building.  The drink and the size of the drink never mattered.

As I drove off, the tears came tumbling down.  I cried that in spite of my selfishness, God still chose to use me.  I cried that I love a God that is SO BIG, yet He takes the time to see the homeless man freezing on the street corner.  I cried that I was driving to a beautiful warm house with a huge bed, while there are people in my city that will literally freeze to death tonight. 
I cried because part of Psalm 139 says, "I can never escape from your Spirit!  I can never get away from your presence!"  Oh, how grateful I am of this truth!!  Regardless of how selfish and self righteous and frustrating I can be, His Spirit is not leaving me!  Sometimes I need more than a whisper and a gentle nudge to move me in the right direction, but I'm learning.  I'm learning. 

God IS whispering.  What is He saying?